PRESSED FOR TIME

This week is all about what goes into making you a well rounded person. Whether it’s checking out a photo exhibit at MoMA while one of the most kickass bands we can think of plays, being part of the recording of a brand new symphony or learning how to express to your playmates that your sling seems to be coming loose, what you’ll take away from this week will change your life forever. Right? Porn Star Sex Life Nov. 20, Velour Lounge, 297 10th Ave. (at W. 27th St.), 212-279-9707; 3, $150 and up. If you ever wondered how to pick up strippers, or wanted to learn the ins and outs of threesome etiquette, no one else could better answer your questions than porn star Ryan Keely (left). Though geared towards men, the all-day sex seminar welcomes women, couples and “everyone who wants to know how men think.” Bottom Line: Imagine the Tom Cruise parts of Magnolia except with someone you would actually trust to advise you on seduction.

An Evening With The Raincoats Nov. 20, MoMA, 11 W. 53rd St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-708- 9400; 8:30, $25. Not only will tonight’s PopRally party feature a set from The Raincoats, the legendary British band formed in 1977 that we learned about from Nirvana liner notes but never thought we would get to see live, but also a DJ set from Bikini Kill’s Kathleen Hanna, making it a must-see for punk aficionados. Bottom Line: Come for the sure-to-be-amazing music, stay for the open bar and exclusive viewing of Pictures by Women: A History of Modern Photography.

Sound of Art Release Party Nov. 18, Santos Party House, 100 Lafayette St. (betw. White & Walker Sts.), 212-584-5492; 7, $15. Tonight, Art Fag City honcho and New York Press contributor Paddy Johnson releases Sound of Art, her LP made up entirely of sounds recorded in New York galleries, museums and art spaces, with a party featuring DJs, comedian Julian Stockdale and live music (see page 24 for more on Behavior, one of the bands).

Bottom Line: Whether you’re a fan of smart concepts and contemporary art or just long to own a recording of ballet flats on polished marble floors, tonight’s your night.

Visual Vaudeville Opens Nov. 17, 368 Broadway (betw. Franklin & White Sts.), www.toastartwalk.com; Free.

Tribeca Open Artist Studio Tour (TOAST) hosts this visual artists’ reimagining of the vaudeville genre, with works in a tremendous variety of mediums, including everything from drawings and paintings to jewelry and accessories. TOAST’s largest exhibition yet boasts a fusion of Warholworthy pretension and Barnum-esque tackiness, but we really, truly mean that in a good way.

Bottom Line: An ADD-sufferer’s wet dream, Visual Vaudeville will be shiny and sure to please.

Glenn Branca’s Symphony No. 15 Nov. 20 & 21, (Le) Poisson Rouge, 158 Bleecker St. (betw. Thompson & Sullivan Sts.), 212-228-4854; $22 and up. Musically, it’s fair to call Branca a minimalist, but there’s nothing understated about the title of his latest work—“Running Through The World Like An Open Razor (Music for Strange Orchestra)”—or about getting a dozen musicians to juggle over a hundred instruments. If enough people sign up, an extra $35 will buy you a vinyl press of the symphony, recorded while you’re there. Bottom Line: Pay, go and try not to yap loud enough to be immortalized on record.