Rubbing Sanchez the Right Way!

Puffy's new record, Forever, debuted this week on the Billboard charts at number two, right behind Christina Aguilera, who's not only a veteran of the new Mickey Mouse Club, but sang on the Mulan soundtrack. Bloodthirsty Sanchez hopes the same valiant men of letters who shat all over 311 for making a reggae record exhibit the same outrage for Aguilera's appalling non-Asian-American-ness! Neither Aguilera nor her handlers have responded to dedicated Sanchez's numerous faxes, telegrams, FedExes and animated e-mail greeting cards to acquiesce to Aguilera's certain status as the future ex-wife of Sanchez!

In a week where show business appeared as a vast and barren landscape, with neither flower nor weed for sickly Sanchez to drag himself out of bed and half-assedly type a few comments on, grateful Sanchez thanked his lucky stars for two most verbose and completely indecipherable comments from Fiona Apple and Snoop Doggy Dogg. Apple, who chin-scratching Sanchez thinks might look okay if she gained a couple pounds, has decided to title her new record?out Nov. 9, which, being that that's playlist-freezing, heightened-consumer-activity time, means there's probably a single on it?When the Pawn Hits the Conflicts He Thinks Like a King What He Knows Throws the Blows When He Goes to the Fight and He'll Win the Whole Thing 'Fore He Enters the Ring There's No Body to Batter When Your Mind Is Your Might So When You Go Solo, You Hold Your Own Hand and Remember That Depth Is the Greatest of Heights and If You Know Where You Stand, Then You Know Where to Land and If You Fall It Won't Matter, 'Cuz You'll Know That You're Right.

"'Depth is the greatest of heights,'" chortled the Wookie, who continued, "You must've bought the extra-large sack of strophes to come up with that one, lady!"

"The literarily critical notes the colloquial spelling of ''Cuz'?a jibe at Pavement's Geddy Lee reference??and finds the quaint usage of 'Fore' most in keeping with a Whitmanesque zeal for Americana," noted the literarily critical Sister of Sanchez, who then added, apropos of nothing, but with great enthusiasm; "O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave!" Scheming Sanchez, who has decided to become one of those rock critics who solely write nice?if tepidly nice?things about singer girls who are oooh so good-lookin'! hereby decrees that when he writes a review of the Apple record comparing it with Joni Mitchell's Blue and Carole King's Tapestry (Sanchez would throw in references to Hazel O'Connor or the Alice Bag Band in there, but broke-ass Sanchez must admit he just faxed his resume over to Rolling Stone last week and doesn't wanna take any chances), Sanchez will add further dour-faced seriousness to his discussion of the album by referring to it solely in acronym form: W.T.P.H.T.C.H.T.L.A.K.W.H.K.T. T.B.W.H.G.T.T.F.A.H.W.T.W.T.F.H.E.T.R. T.N.B.T.B.W.Y.M.I.Y.M.S.W.Y.G.S.Y.H.Y.O.H.A.R.T. D.I.T.G.O.H.A.I.Y.K.W.Y.S.T.Y.K.W.T.L.A.I.Y.F.I.W.M.C.Y.K.T.Y.R. Forward-thinking Sanchez is already dreaming of how he'll apply the superunwieldy acronym to real-life music criticism; fantasizing Sanchez dreams of sitting down to type up one of those ludicrous retrospective pieces that link artists for hilariously immaterial reasons such as race or gender: "While Sanchez finds Nico's Chelsea Girl a landmark among albums featuring acoustic guitars and very tall Teutonic women who've ridden Jackson Browne like a horsey all night long, and Alanis Morissette's Jagged Little Pill a watershed recording for angry Canadians who used to get checks from Nickelodeon, neither work approaches the sheer visceral je ne sais quoi of Fiona Apple's W.T.P.H.T.C.H.T.L.A.K.W.H.K.T.T.B.W.H.G.T.T.F.A.H.W.T.W.T.F.H.E.T.R.T.N.B.T.B.W.Y.M.I.Y.M.S.W.Y.G.S.Y.H.Y.O.H.A.R.T.D.I.T.G.O.H.A.I.Y.K.W.Y.S.T.Y.K.W.T.L.A.I.Y.F.I.W.M.C.Y.K.T.Y.R."

Eye-fluttering Sanchez swigs again from his Robitussin; unfortunately this over-the-counter medicinal stupor prevents him from discerning whether any sense whatsoever is made in the following statement from Snoop Dogg while promoting his upcoming appearance in Danny Hoch's Whiteboys: "Acting is fun to me, because when we rapping, we actually acting. Because we have to get into our character and bring this character to life on these records to where, before you see a video, you loving this character. So when you get the video, it's like an extra treat, but before the video come out, they have to like the record. So, visually, you have to put a hell of a character together and do your thing on that record."

Humble Sanchez?pleading that his medical condition has made such unconventional medicinal strategies a necessity?would very much like to have two of whatever it is Snoop is having.

NEXT WEEK: Bewildered Sanchez reveals that awful Durannie-metal act Orgy in fact retains at least one member formerly of never-were Sunset Strip metal schlubs Rough Cutt!