Traumatized Sanchez was forced to sit in a darkened theater, watching a movie he'd already seen, while the Lumpy Lass screwed a long-lost school pal in town from Utah. So quick-minded Sanchez has no recourse but to coin a new name for the Lass?the Mormon-Nailer! Contented Sanchez was perfectly happy whiling away Sunday afternoon with Matt Pinnfield's weird 1995-revival party-slash-viewer-phone-in battle-of-the-bands Flying Indie?Sanchez adores MTV for so blithely two-birdsing its programming and its market research?when the Sister of Sanchez got into a fight with the Lumpy Lass' friend from Moab about Star Wars. "The merciless Sister of Sanchez mocks this goon and his Gen-X brethren for their ceaseless boohooing about the prequel, and George Lucas' criminal inability to magically turn them seven again, replete with childish susceptibility to shiny lights and wooden dialogue," mocked the merciless Sister of Sanchez. The man from Moab started crying, and thus did the unwitting Sister of Sanchez practically rip off his pants and throw him into the Lumpy Lass' flabby arms?not only did it cue the Lass to start working her way to victory under the guise of there-there-ing his grief, but the cunning Lass suggested to the sniffling Westerner that perhaps taking the film in for a second time would open his eyes to the good movie he didn't notice the first time he went! And where? Why, the Union Square United Artists, of course, that filmic venue famed for its lift-up-able armrests?the feature that makes it the most make-out-tastic theater in New York! Envious Sanchez swatted his sister, who, to drown out the squishy noises from the row behind her, had donned headphones and started to sing along with the Carl Smith honky-tonk classic "Hey Joe!" "Whurdja get that pearly girly?" the Sister of Sanchez crooned. "Whurdja get that jolly dolly? Whurdja get that dish I wish was mi-een?" Finally swatting Sanchez managed to dislodge her left earphone, and the outraged Sister of Sanchez turned viciously upon him. "'The Sister of Sanchez need not speak in Sister-of-Sanchezese when singing along with her Discman,' the annoyed Sister of Sanchez retorts!" retorted the annoyed Sister of Sanchez, missing Sanchez's point. Sullenly the Sister of Sanchez turned to the screen and began to coo the newest Backstreet Boys single at the screen. "Tell me why-ee," the sullen Sister of Sanchez implored Ewan McGregor and his rattail. Beaten Sanchez happened to have brought a copy of Teen People's 1999 All-Star Yearbook special issue along, so he sneakily fished the Zippo out of his Sister's Pokemon backpack and perused it by lighter-light. In its pages watchful Sanchez found a weak cry for help from the now-vanquished 90s ironists that once roamed the media plains, in the form of several middle-school photographs of Mark-Paul Gosselaar. What preteen?bored Sanchez reminds you that teenagers don't read things with the word teen on them?would recall the glories of Saved By the Bell? Sanchez remembers his hipster friends from California telling him tales of Screech sightings at Green Day shows, and how the media hoze oohed and aahed over the actor from the MOR sitcom! "'Is that what my older sibling refers to as "back in the day"?' singsongs the Gen-Y Sister of Sanchez," the Gen-Y Sister of Sanchez singsonged. Surly Sanchez growled and buried himself deeper in the magazine. Elsewhere in the issue, some anonymous Teen People philosopher posits that Billy Corgan invented his band's name as a metaphorical response to the basketballs hurled in his face, and Gwen Stefani (pictured squinting up from the pool as she did her kick exercises) claims to have joined the swim team because she was "kind of chubby." Moved Sanchez holds back his tears! Adam Sandler is pictured with a fantastic jewfro, Luke Perry sports classic Chess King casualwear, Jennifer Aniston's goth roots are showing?Sanchez bites his lip at the sight of the babyfat on her late-80s cheek!?and Anthony Kiedis (whose current do gets a raised eyebrow from hair cop Sanchez) wears a skinny tie and stands back to back with a plaintive, mustachioed lass. Most sinisterly, some fraud-sniffing Teen People vigilante accuses the 1992 yearbook staff at New Castle Baptist Academy of fronting about their love of yearbookery, and merely joining the squad for a shot at jumping Ryan Phillippe's bones! The Cruel Intentions star, Sanchez learned, was additionally awarded Best Smile honors. Those who love Sanchez know he always saves the best for second-to-last, and this paragraph is no exception! A senior-year photo of Jewel (in Interlochen, MI? Was she lost in her van on the way back to Alaska?) juxtaposed with a current photo busts her but hardcore on the nose job! Still elsewhere in the issue, Courteney Cox says, "I don't know how to laugh out loud." But glum Sanchez didn't really get his cheese fix 'til he read Gerri Hirshey's glossy handjob of a Missy Elliott profile in Rolling Stone. ("'Get a tambourine doing sixteenth notes and just call it jungle!' interjects the Sister of Sanchez," the Sister of Sanchez interjected.) How hilarious that Hirshey should find Missy's preference of Wendy's over the China Grill evidence of her road-unworthiness? Grinning Sanchez invites her to take a look at a turnpike sometimes?what, does she think KFC stands for Klassy Fried Chicken? Hirshey says of Missy's spiked g-string: "Any unauthorized entry will leave male intruders fit to replace Bob Dole in those erectile dysfunction ads." What does that mean, puzzled Sanchez asks, she has heat-ray eyes that give you prostate cancer? "'Why prostate cancer, now that just isn't funny!' gasps the horrified sister of Sanchez," the mock-horrified Sister of Sanchez mock-gasped. Hirshey astutely includes authentic Negro dialogue like, "Just now it's Missy's hairdresser Marsha... Puffy party tonight!...Pull-eze." Her italics, wincing Sanchez notes. In addition, she apparently thinks "the Ashford and Simpson of hiphop" is a compliment. Why yes, Missy and Timbaland, they're Negroes of disparate gender, aren't they? Marveling Sanchez gives Hirshey the big thumbs-up! Sanchez has it on good authority that David Lee Roth is playing "Everybody Wants Some" from Van Halen's 1980 LP Women and Children First on his solo tour?the song containing a baffling line that Sanchez hears as "I seek a woman that's a looking for a Mookie." An homage to Spike Lee? IS DAVID LEE ROTH FROM THE FUTURE? David Lee Roth and his David Lee Roth Band play the Bi-Lo Center in Greenville, SC, on the 15th, and the Yakima Valley Sundome on the 27th. "'I want to start a band called "Douglas James and her Jugless Dames," but I need to find a double-D girl named Douglas first,' quips the merry Sister of Sanchez," the merry Sister of Sanchez quipped. Online, Sanchez discovered that DJ Rap is in fact a little tiny English girl named Charrisa. Techno-savvy MTV calls jungle "techno's answer to speed metal," making Sanchez wonder if the writer envisioned Keith Flint and Yellowglasses Chembro plotting, "Arrrgh, the forces of rock plague us with speed metal! How shall we answer them arrrgh, arrrgh?" Elsewhere on MTV online, Brandy's record label, Atlantic, is reported to report that Mattel conceived its Brandy doll as a "celebrity friend" for "longtime plastic icon" Barbie. As the godawfully long credits rolled, a peaceful sigh emanated from the Lumpy Lass in the row behind Sanchez, and Sanchez heard cutesy pillow talk between the Mormon-Nailer and her Mormon. But what's this? Vital information exchanged postcoitally? For the Lumpy Lass suddenly gasped and screamed, "Darth Vader is Luke's father?!" NEXT WEEK: Vigilant Sanchez confronts the Dixie Chicks, self-righteously accusing them of not knowing who Lilith was!