Shaky Sanchez's 'Gau Jones!

| 16 Feb 2015 | 04:21

    Startled Sanchez, deep in the trance-state into which he submerges?well, belly-flops retardedly?to attune himself to the mysterious galactic energies that transmit Britney Spears jokes into Sanchez's mind, emerged from his one-man seance with a loud, wheezy gasp! Woozy Sanchez didn't know if hours or years had passed, but he looked down at the screen at saw that?apparently having viewed the Foo Fighters' appearance on TRL?his pudgy fingers had typed: "Phooey on Foos: petulant Sanchez pooh-poohs latest release There Is Nothing Left To Lose, Except The Other Guy That Used To Be In Sunny Day Real Estate..." without even bothering to open the envelope from RCA publicity that, come to think of it, might actually not contain the Foos but rather the new ZZ Top release. Thankful Sanchez bows to the powers of the universe for granting him the incredible responsibility of his superpower; the ability to pan CDs without listening to them! (Though grass-is-greener guy Sanchez sometimes covets his friends' superpowers, such as the Wookie's supernaturally professional phone manner, and his roommate Glum Whitey's uncanny ability to tell whether a surface is hot enough to cook a grilled cheese sandwich on just by squinting at it.)

    The rest of Sanchez's rough-draft page was covered in the three words "...Leprechauns Sunday NBC Leprechauns Sunday NBC Leprechauns..." Apparently the cosmic forces of show business were absolutely bursting with the broadcast premiere of the made-for-tv fantasy flick, which will be absorbed into the annals of television history by the time you read this column.

    "'KEYBS!' shrieks the Sister of Sanchez," shrieked the Sister of Sanchez, choking back a sob, and Sanchez hiccoughed out of yet another reverie, nervously turning to find his Sister pushing a copy of the Voice, open to the Christgau (or X-gau as he's known in superhero circles) page where he gives records grades?you know, whatever they call that shtick?into Sanchez's face. Anyhow, Sanchez had to soothe his sobbing sister with reassurance that the phrase "he's not above keybs" that the 'Gau included in his capsule review of the new Marshall Crenshaw record was simply an acknowledgment of the organ-playing on the record. Elsewhere in the same piece, Christgau opines that the new Mos Def "would pack more power at 55 minutes than it does at 71." How precious, cutesy Sanchez coos, that Christgau should write this kind of faux-old-timey review, as if this record came out back in those cold, dark days when the kids didn't have remote controls with track-skip buttons on them for their CD players! How quaint! Eager Sanchez is hoping for a recipe for churning butter in Christgau's copy next week! And though Sanchez did not make a single phone call last week, he will nonetheless pretend that he called up Rawkus and asked, and thusly found out that the label is not planning to release the Mos Def record on piano roll. Elsewhere in last week's Voice, scary old hippie guy Richard Gehr says, "Have you ever looked at the ceiling of the Hammerstein Ballroom? I mean really looked at it?"

    Saluting Sanchez is proud to congratulate colleague Adam Heimlich on joining Rolling Stone's crack team of hiphop experts! Reviewing the Family Values tour, sharp-eared Heimlich files a fascinating report on having witnessed "throw-your-hands-in-the-air tactics known to work on urban audiences." Word! Whewing Sanchez feels a little safer just knowing little Adam stands as ethnomusicological sentinel over a world too complicated for simple Sanchez to understand! Elsewhere in Rolling Stone, RZA reveals that Ol' Dirty Bastard " all-out offensive to women...that's the artistry of what he is," and later describes a bizarre road trip that began with picking up Dirty after the guy escaped from the hospital. "He had a Natalie Cole tape in his pocket that had 'Good Morning Heartache' on it," RZA told Matt Diehl, "He put it in and started singing along. There was a van full of us, and tears were coming from all of us." Kelis, the young r&b singer who sang on ODB's single "Got Your Money" and has?fortuitously?just debuted her own single, said of Dirt to the MTV Radio Network: "I think a lot of people thinks he's faking. I don't think so... I think he's definitely genuine in his, in his, uh, stuff, you know?"

    Saddened Sanchez says: Au Revoir Cherone! Former Extreme member not named Nuno and recent Van Halen recruit Gary Cherone has left Eddie?hilariously, just three months after being quoted on an official Van Halen website as saying, "We're really pounding out the songs. Personally, I couldn't be happier!" Lazy Sanchez did not bother to try to contact Cherone and ask him if "Non-Nuno" sounded like a cool name for a solo project. Meanwhile, the onetime McCoy Tyner to Edward's Coltrane, David Lee Roth, has filed suit against former manager Edmund Anderson for selling unauthorized David Lee Roth memorabilia. In other Roth-related news, the happiest man in the entire 1980s attended a party for the release of a Ken Burns documentary called Not for Ourselves Alone on the subject of early feminists such as Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton. Also in attendance were Meryl Streep, Geraldine Ferraro and Cokie Roberts. "Women know instinctively that they're included rather than demeaned in what I do," Dave told an AP reporter. In still more fun Roth facts, lucky residents of Corpus Christi, TX, will be treated to one whole night of pure Dave as the man will play the 14th of this month at local hot spot Woolly Bully.

    The Backstreet Boys declined to meet with a five-year-old leukemia victim in Michigan last week when they came to the state to play the Palace of Auburn Hills, in the Detroit area. The girl's father contacted a local newspaper, the Macomb Daily News, and told them that the band was contacted by dying-child's-wish-granting-organization the Rainbow Connection (not uncoincidentally named after a song from The Muppet Movie showcasing Kermit the Frog on banjo) but couldn't do the appearance. In a development that must make every publicist on Earth feel glad to be alive, AP picked up the story and gave it the headline "Pop Group Refuses To Meet Ill Child." Perceptive Sanchez thanks the Lord that times have changed, as five years ago the biggest band in pop music would have met with the same torrent of bad publicity for not realizing that "Ian MacKaye" rhymes with "evil eye," or perhaps claiming publicly to be vegans while putting cheese on their gardenburgers behind closed doors.

    In an eerie coincidence, Creed vocalist Scott Stapp developed strained vocal cords while on tour in Texas, and canceled a show scheduled for Saturday, Dec. 4, at the Bowery Ballroom?a date that was then subsequently filled, suspiciously, with a benefit for beleaguered cartoonist "Dirty" Danny Hellman. "What?" asked the misinformed Wookie, turning around in her chair suddenly. "Does that mean that Ted Rall had his knee on the Creed guy's throat, too?"

    NEXT WEEK: Diplomatic Sanchez officially recognizes Chris as a member of 'N Sync now that he's lopped those hideous dreds off!