Sign Language

CANCER JUNE 21-JULY 22

Make life easier on yourself. You're just clinging to that irritating behavior out of stubbornness. You know that most of those you adore find that habit annoying, and—if truth be known—you're not even all that attached to it anymore, yourself. You've just been holding on to it for fear of appearing to capitulate to others' demands or desires. That would be awful, to give people the impression that they had some influence over you! Sorry, I'm only teasing you because you know that your Crabby clutching is giving you more agita than it's worth. Take advantage of this week's New Moon and let it go. Don't do it for us, if that bothers you so much. Just do it for yourself.

LEO JULY 23-AUG. 22

You're like a blurry photograph taken from a great distance. No one can quite believe you are what you purport to be. They squint and wonder: Is that little pink blob on the beach really a naked picture of Jennifer Aniston? Luckily for you, someone just snapped a greatly superior telephoto lens onto the camera, and things are about to swim quickly into focus. Being subject to such intimate scrutiny shouldn't bother you Leos, but it might discomfit some of your scrutinizers when they have to admit that, yes, it really is Jennifer Aniston walking naked down the beach. It comes as no surprise to you when you're proven to be exactly what you say you are. Just bite your tongue when it surprises others.

VIRGO AUG. 23-SEPT. 22

Sadly, you were trained, early on, not to stop and smell the roses. Maybe a bee stung you on the nose, just once, and ever since you've resisted enjoying the blooms on your way home from work. Perhaps you justify it in the name of harried efficiency or spartan self-denial. Just quit that, already. Half of life's pleasures are roses by the side of the road. If you can't periodically squeeze in 10 seconds to enjoy them, you're really fucking yourself over. Don't let faulty programming get the best of you. Enjoy the inefficient, irrelevant little details; sometimes they're all you've got.

LIBRA SEPT. 23-OCT. 22

You're broadcasting loud and clear. All your neighbors' stereos are picking you up. You're the catchy tune that everyone's singing, and you're flying high this week. But what happens next week, when everyone declares your song overplayed and tired? What happens when you make people roll their eyes, cover their ears and sing over you, just to keep you from getting stuck in their heads? All I'm saying: Enjoy the wave. But remember it has a beginning, middle and end. If you want to keep riding the ride, you can't keep coasting; you've got to think of something new to sing.

SCORPIO OCT. 23-NOV. 21

I met this crazy girl who was terrified of birds, convinced that they were contaminated with microbes that would infect her brain and kill her. Just days after she'd explained the rationale behind her panicked flight from avian proximity, she saw a baby bird tumble from its nest, and her heart went out to it. Within hours, she'd brought the chick into her home, consulted experts and was feeding it a mixture of raw meat and raw eggs. You, too, might experience something similar this week—something you fear might need you so much that you can't refuse it. Don't even try. Help those who ask you for it, and watch how it changes how you think about them.

SAGITTARIUS NOV. 22-DEC. 21

Don't wait on the group. Entangling your fate with others' this week would be a huge mistake. Do what you want to do, and let your friends participate or not, as they will. Waiting to find out what they're up to before you make your own decisions will just be frustrating for all concerned; they'll feel rushed in making decisions they'd rather wait on, and you'll end up missing stuff, due to their delays. There's no time for consensus, or even a vote. If you wait for people to get on the same page as you, you'll be at the end of the book before you've read a chapter. Just plow on ahead, and hope some of the others can keep up—or, at the very least, catch up.

CAPRICORN DEC. 22-JAN. 19

You're no idiot savante, but to some you might seem like one, especially this week. You're amazingly good at a few things—and, sadly, fairly bad at a couple of others. When these two talents—extraordinary and abysmal—are placed on display one after the other, it can give someone the jarring impression that you're kind of a brilliant freak. Evolved Caps tend to just leave it there. Who cares what those simplistic losers think? Try that one on for size, if you haven't before. Let them evolve enough to enjoy brilliant freaks (whether you actually are one or not), and if they can't be bothered, who the fuck needs them?

AQUARIUS JAN. 20-FEB. 18

Don't bother trying to shimmy out from under other people's judgments about you. They've already made up their minds. Whether they've decided you're a hero or villain, you're stuck with it. So just own it. There's no point in wasting energy trying to disprove or argue with them; they're too damn stubborn for logic, reason or contrary evidence. Shrug and accept their wrongful appraisal. "Yep, that's me." Your casual acceptance of their wrongful impressions will only make you look slicker and sexier when they finally figure out (on their own) how wrong they were about you.

PISCES FEB. 19-MARCH 20

"I dream," says my Pisces boyfriend wistfully, "of traveling to exotic places. And then I imagine myself lying down." Enduring long and arduous journeys just to relax and be contemplative seems strange to some of the other signs, who feel compelled to justify their trips with sights seen, foods eaten and photos taken. But to some of you Pisceans, it just sounds nice. Unfortunately, you all too often take on the shit that other signs force upon you, like this idea about how things are done when on vacation. That's bullshit; those idiots are just nowhere near as evolved as you. A vacation is a vacation. Do what pleases you, and fuck what the rest of us think.

ARIES MARCH 21-APRIL 19

When polled about which superpower they'd select if given the choice, each and every Ram chose an ability that would enable her to do and experience more, shunning abilities like telepathy, clairvoyance or invisibility for ones like flight, super-strength and teleportation. Luckily you also think those other powers are pretty cool, because your week is filled with an abundance of opportunities to learn and a dearth of new things to actually do. Just wanted to clue you in, so you don't waste a ton of time seeking what's simply not there; this week, look for knowledge, not action.

TAURUS APRIL 20-MAY 20

From inside your head, it seems like people have been constantly letting you down lately. But from out here, it's more like we've been failing to live up to your unguessable expectations. It's not that we're falling short of what you'd hope—it's that we're aiming in the wrong direction. Of course, we're going to say and do the "wrong" shit, when you haven't properly clued us in to what would please you better. Take some responsibility for your own frustration, please. It's only obvious to you what we're supposed to be doing. Of course, you can continue being disappointed if you prefer, but if I were you, I'd spell it out. We'll deliver.

GEMINI MAY 21-JUNE 20

Most signs either lack discipline or creativity. There are dreamers galore among the astrological pantheon, but few possess the follow-through to bring their brilliant ideas to fruition on their own. Other signs are hard workers, but they squander their incredible discipline on others' objectives. You Twins have both inspiration and grit—your main problem is getting them both pointed in the same direction and working at the same time. It's a tricky thing, but if you're alert and ready to move on it, this week you ought to come up with the goal that both your work ethic and imagination can get behind. o