SOS Etiquette

What happens when you become trapped in your New York apartment? By [Jeanne Martinet ] When the doorknob came off in my hand, I couldn?t understand what had happened. It was as if I had been shaking a friend?s hand and had somehow pulled it completely out of its socket, like a scene from a horror film. After the initial shock, I felt incredibly stupid. I had known that the knob was loose; it had been loose for months, but I had put off doing anything about it. I stood there with the detached knob in my hand. Panic started to take hold?mostly, I confess, because I was experiencing, on a fairly urgent level, the call of nature (having just woken up), and it was sinking in that I was stuck inside my bedroom with the bathroom on the other side of the door. ?Don?t get hysterical, just use your head,? I told myself. I took a deep breath, and slowly, gingerly, attempted to reattach the doorknob to the scant 3/4 of an inch length of spindle that was protruding from the doorknob hole. (The spindle is the square rod that connects the two knobs. You can see that I am now an expert.) This proved to be a mistake; it slid backwards, threatening to fall out the other side. Cursing, I took the knob back off and grabbed onto the spindle with my left hand. I tried turning it with my fingertips, but the piece that was sticking out was too short to get a good grip. At that instant I realized the fix I was in. There was no phone in the room; my cell was charging on the hall table. What was I going to do? How would I ever get out? Would I be found weeks later with a brass doorknob in my lifeless hand? Since I couldn?t open the door, my only course of action seemed to be to call out the window and hope that a stranger, in one of the dozens of apartments lining my inner courtyard, would come to my aid. But would anyone listen? We boundary-conscious New Yorkers are pretty good at ignoring the outside world when we?re at home. We learn to tune out people?s loud moments of temper, frustration and other passions. A lot of people scream out their windows when they are mad, or drunk, or both. It?s no wonder most of us are a bit suspicious when someone we don?t know yells something out there. Is the person unbalanced? Dangerous? Trying to scam us in some way? And exactly what should I say? I could go with the traditional, and yell, ?Help!? But this seemed too extreme for my situation. The last thing I wanted was to make anyone think I was seriously hurt or being attacked, and then have the police breaking down my door. Also, I would have to give my address, which might be audible to hundreds of people. (I could see it now, the whole thing would be Tweeted: Woman in apt on Upper West Side, NYC, trapped in bdrm, yelling out window. If u want to know who this idiot is, her address is_____.) What if I were to calmly, but loudly, call out, ?Excuse me? Is anyone able to hear this? I?m sorry to bother you but I?ve been accidentally trapped in my bedroom?can you make a call for me?? Then I remembered that the friend who had my spare keys is on my speed dial, and I couldn?t remember his phone number! Was he listed? Would an unseen bystander be willing to go that extra mile and look up a number? It seemed a lot to ask. Perhaps I should I start with ?sorry to bother you?? The truth is that without visual contact, it?s very hard to get a New Yorker?s attention. And I am not a good yeller. Having lived in this city for many years, I have become a good nagger, a good bargainer and good at talking to strangers. But yelling to unseen hordes? I decided I really didn?t want to yell out my window, unless it was absolutely necessary. I steeled myself for one last attempt at saving myself. I reached into a bureau drawer, where I latched onto a cotton handkerchief. Carefully, praying under my breath, I wrapped it around the end of the spindle. The fabric was stiff enough that I got traction, and the door opened. I sleep with a screwdriver in my bedroom now. And you would not believe how carefully I listen to the sounds coming from nearby apartments. _ [ Jeanne Martinet](http://JeanneMartinet.com), aka Miss Mingle, lives on the Upper West Side and is the author of seven books on social interaction. Her latest book is a novel, Etiquette for the End of the World. You can contact her at [JeanneMartinet.com.](http://JeanneMartinet.com)