Sounds Like a Plan

Dear Mark, The other night I had a sleepover party with a lady friend of mine. Let’s call her Patrice. Patrice met my roommate, Zoe, who happens to be a lesbian. Patrice admitted to being very attracted to Zoe. I told her that Zoe was gay, and this drove her nuts. Now, Patrice talks about hooking up with Zoe whenever we hang out. An unbelievable fantasy, right? The problem is I’m not the least bit attracted to Zoe. If she were naked, I would try to avert my eyes. I enjoy her company, but I find her physically repulsive.

I told Zoe about Patrice’s attraction, just to flatter her, and she responded with a coy “Really?” She seems very much allured by the idea of a threesome. The two of them flirt more openly every time they see each other.

So I find myself frightened by a situation that most straight guys drool over. Two women want to have a threesome with me (or at least, including me), and the eventuality of this sexual event is asserting itself more every day. I don’t want to offend my roommate, or seem prudish to my lady friend, but I don’t think I could even perform with Zoe. What should I do? —Bushed in Brooklyn

Dear Bushed, When I read your letter, Kanye West’s new single “Heartless” was playing on my iTunes, and it’s like the song was channeling you. The chorus goes, “In the night, I hear ‘em talk/ The coldest story ever told/ Somewhere far along this road he lost his soul/ To a woman so heartless.”

See the connection? It’s not that your heart is broken like Kanye’s. It’s that you’re both making grandiose claims about your suffering.

Of the two, you’re overdoing it the most. If you don’t want to sleep with Zoe, then don’t.There’s no “eventuality” to a threesome you’re not interested in, and I don’t buy that you might sleep with these women just to avoid upsetting them.That’s a convoluted way of blaming them for your actions. If you bang your girlfriend and your roommate, it’s because you choose to, not because you’re hamstrung by some gentlemanly duty not to cause offense.

Also, have you told Patrice that you’re not interested? If you haven’t, then you’re disrespecting yourself. If you have told Patrice and she’s still making googly eyes at Zoe, then you’re getting disrespected. Either way, you need to take action. Shut down the fantasy or hop into bed and admit that’s what you want; but don’t pretend the sexy current is whisking you along. ------

Dear Mark, A pal of mine just got a new girlfriend and they’ve become serious really quickly. We all really like her and think they’re a good match.

The problem is that he’s always talking about their sex life in graphic detail.

Now, we’re all happy to hear the usual chatter, but as we’ve come to know and like the girl, nobody wants to hear the stuff he says. The problem is, when we tell him to keep it under his hat he calls us prudes and gets really defensive. How would you handle the situation?

It’s tricky, right? When “the girl our friend’s banging” becomes “Marie from Flatbush,” it’s harder to drool over dirty stories.

Suddenly, she’s not an object. She’s a person. That’s why songs like “Low” usually aren’t about women with names. If the girl in apple-bottom jeans has an identity, it feels weird to fold her like she’s a pornography poster. But if she’s just a nameless shawty, we can fold away. It sounds like your friend is clinging to the shawty.You said they just got together, so maybe publicizing their sex keeps him from feeling vulnerable in the relationship. If he objectifies her, he can feel more powerful and less likely to get hurt. Whatever the reason, these stories give him something he thinks he needs. But you don’t have to support that. Keep reminding him that you like his girlfriend too much to want to hear about her that way. Also, ask why he wants to talk about his sex life in the first place.That might shed some light on how he’s really feeling.

And let him know you’re not attacking him.You’re just asking for boundary lines between people and porn. ------

Dear Mark, My boyfriend and I watch Noah’s Arc together on Logo, and I find all the guys to be real turn-ons, but my boyfriend doesn’t. Is he a closeted racist?

This question rocks my world because I’ve totally lived it.When I was in high school, I was convinced that people who didn’t like My So-Called Life were philistines. Like, how could Angela Chase not move you? That was art! But really, it was my taste, just like the gents on Noah’s Arc are your taste. If your boyfriend disagrees, then it only means you’re different. Calling him a racist is just a politically explosive way of insisting you’re right.You say tomato, he says to-mah-to, so he must hate black people.

Of course, if you look like a character on Noah’s Arc, then you should be pissed. Otherwise, take a deep breath, get over yourself and don’t call the whole thing off.

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Mark Blankenship also runs The Critical Condition ([www.thecriticalcondition.com](http://www.thecriticalcondition.com)), a groovy site for pop culture criticism. ------

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