STAGE WEDNESDAY 12/11 Cabaret Steve Ross Singer/pianist reinvents ...

Cabaret

Steve Ross Singer/pianist reinvents classics from Cole Porter, Irving Berlin, the Gershwins, Charles Trenet & Noel Coward; Stanhope Park Hyatt, 995 5th Ave. (betw. 80th & 81st Sts.), 212-650-4737; 8:30 & 10:30, $25-$35 [repeats Thurs.-Sat.].

"Singing to Life" Antoinetter Silicato w/Mario Sprouse, Ritt Henn & Susan Abbott; Judy's Chelsea, 169 8th Ave. (betw. 18th & 19th Sts.), 212-929-5410; 8:30, $12 min.

"So in Love: The Love Songs of Cole Porter" Andrea Marcovicci celebrates her 15th year at the Algonquin w/new show feat. hits "Why Can't You Behave?" & "Let's Not Talk About Love"; the Oak Room, Algonquin Hotel, 59 W. 44th St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-944-3109; 9 [repeats Thurs. & Tues. at 9, Fri. & Sat. at 9 & 11:30].

Comedy

Carrie Karavas Stand-up w/Billy Burr, Richie Byrne, Hood, Steve Byrne & Nancy Redman; Dangerfield's, 1118 1st Ave. (betw. 61st & 62nd Sts.), 212-593-1650; 8:45 to closing, $12.50-$20 [repeats Thurs. & Sun. 8:45 to closing, Fri. at 8:30 & 10:30, Sat. at 8, 10:30 & 12:30 a.m.].

Kevin Meaney pres. outbursts of stand-up; Caroline's on Broadway, 1626 B'way (betw. 49th & 50th Sts.), 212-757-4100; 7:30, $18-$20 & 2 drink min. [repeats Thurs. at 8].

Colin Quinn Stand-up feat. Kevin Brennan, Robert Kelly, Godfrey & Greg Giraldo at great comedy venue; Comedy Cellar, 117 MacDougal St. (betw. Bleecker & W. 3rd Sts.), 212-254-3480; 9 & 11, $10-$15 & 2 drink min. [repeats Thurs. & Sun. at 9 & 11, Fri. at 9, 10:45 & 12:30 a.m., Sat. at 7:30, 9:15, 11 & 12:45 a.m.].

Reverend Jen's Anti-Slam Rev. Jen hosts open mic where comedians, sketch comics, musicians & freaks do their thang for six minutes; Collective Unconscious, 145 Ludlow St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.), 212-254-5277; 7:45 sign-up, $3.

Rich Vos Stand-up at Caroline's on Broadway, 1626 B'way (betw. 49th & 50th Sts.), 212-757-4100; 9:30, $17 & 2 drink min.

Dance

Alvin Ailey continues six-week season at City Center, 131 W. 55th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-581-1212 or www.alvinailey.org for complete sched. & prices [through 1/5].

"Sugarfree" Venezuela company pres. "Oriental dance performance by Maqui, Kanari & Joanna" at the Puffin Room, 435 Broome St. (B'way), 212-343-2881; 6 [through 12/29].

Winterreise World premiering "imaginative new staging of Schubert's haunting song cycle" w/baritone Simon Keenlyside (directed & choreographed by Trisha Brown) at John Jay College Theater, 899 10th Ave. (betw. 58th & 59th Sts.), 212-721-6500; 8, $40 [through 12/13].

THURSDAY 12/12

Cabaret

"Magical Madness" Albert Cadabra, Adam Cardone & George Gorlick pres. ancient torture rituals, mind reading, voice throwing & "the blood & flames of hell" during vaudevillian magic show at Tagine, 537 9th Ave. (40th St.), 212-564-7292; 8:30, $10 & 2 drink min.

David Sabella performs the songs of David Friedman w/Mark Hartman & Marco Brehm; Judy's Chelsea, 169 8th Ave. (betw. 18th & 19th Sts.), 212-929-5410; 8:30, $12 min. [repeats Mon.].

Comedy

"Guaranteed Laughs or Your Money Back" Comedy trio Happy Hour takes physical comedy to whole new level?think extreme slapstick & Jackass humor; Chasama @135, 135 W. 42nd St. (betw. 6th Ave. & B'way), 212-631-5819; 8, $15 [repeats Fri. & Sat. at 8 & Sun. at 3].

"Magic Brian's Barrel of Monkeys" Magic Brian hosts variety show feat. Corn Mo, Chris Rozzi, burlesque from Anna Curtis, dangerous clowns from the Daredevil Opera Co. & the voice?just the voice?of Mike Hagen; Rififi, 332 E. 11th St. (betw. 1st & 2nd Aves.), 212-677-1027; 8, $7.

"The Precinct" Sketch comedy troupe, Elephant Larry, become boys in blue & battle killer robots, memory loss, the King of Criminals & each other; the Red Room, 85 E. 4th St. (betw. 2nd & 3rd Aves.), 212-206-1515; 11, $7.

"Sealboy: Freak" Mat Fraser becomes former freak show performer Sealo the Sealboy?aka Stanley Berent?& aspiring disabled actor Tam Shrafer to examine where the freak show ends & performance art begins; Bindlestiff Palace of Variety, 125 W. 42nd St. (betw. B'way & 6th Ave.), 877-BINDLES; call for times & prices [repeats Sat. & Sun.].

Doug Williams Stand-up from Kevin of HBO's The Mind of the Married Man; Caroline's on Broadway, 1626 B'way (betw. 49th & 50th Sts.), 212-757-4100; 10, $20-$22 & 2 drink min. [repeats Fri. & Sun. at 12:30 a.m., Sun. at 10].

Dance

Alma Flamenca w/Andrea Del Conte & Danza Espana at Thalia Spanish Theater, 41-17 Greenpoint Ave., Sunnyside, Queens, 718-729-3880, www.thaliatheatre.org; call for times, $28, $25 st./s.c. [through 12/15].

Tina Croll in Balkan Schmalkan at Danspace Project at St. Mark's Church, 131 E. 10th St. (2nd Ave.), 212-674-8194; 8:30, $15 [repeats Fri. & Sat. at 8:30, Sun. at 7:30].

Dance Theater Workshop pres. Annie-B Parson & Paul Lazar's Big Dance Theater in (Marc Wellman's) Antigone at Bessie Schonberg Theater, 219 W. 19th St. (betw. 7th & 8th Aves.), 212-924-0077; 7 [repeats Fri. & Sat. at 7, Sun. at 2].

FRIDAY 12/13

Cabaret

"Blackbird" Julie Reyburn w/Mark Janas, Ritt Henn & Susan Abbott; Judy's Chelsea, 169 8th Ave. (betw. 18th & 19th Sts.), 212-929-5410; 8:30, $12 min.

Comedy

The Adventures of Lover-Tron Horse Trade Theater Group & the Bad Astronauts pres. saucy sketch comedy at the Red Room, 85 E. 4th St., 3rd fl. (betw. 2nd & 3rd Aves.), 212-206-1515; 10:30, $12, $8 st./s.c. [repeats Sat. at 10:30, Sun. at 5].

American Vaudeville Theatre Trav S.D. emcees night of naughty humor feat. comedians the Haskell Brothers' & Lewoncyk & Cartelli & song & dance man Danny Weizmann; the Bindlestiff Palace of Variety, 125 W. 42nd St. (betw. B'way & 6th Ave.), 8, $10 [repeats Sun. at 2 for G-rated crowd].

Jim Gaffigan Stand-up w/Greg Carey, Eddie Ifft, Mike Friedman & Rich Brooks; Stand-Up New York, 236 W. 78th St. (B'way), 212-595-0850; 8, 10 & 12:15 a.m., $15 & 2 drink min. [repeats Sat.].

Richard Jeni Seasoned co-star steps into the limelight; Caroline's on Broadway, 1626 B'way (betw. 49th & 50th Sts.), 212-757-4100; 8 & 10:30, $26-$28 & 2 drink min. [repeats Sat. at 8 & 10:30, Sun. at 8].

Minimum Wage: Blue Code Ringo Burger Boy Productions lets you in on the thrilling secrets of the fast food industry incl. "the art of spatulary" & "the ins & outs of bathroom duty"?musical-style!; Downtown Variety Lounge, Present Company Theatorium, 198 Stanton St. (betw. Ridge & Attorney Sts.), 212-726-2095; 8:30, $12 [repeats Sat.].

Big Jay Oakerson emcee's stand-up feat. Lisa Lampanelli, Tony Rock, Dan Naturman, Ross Bennett & Vinnie Brand; Comic Strip Live, 1568 2nd Ave. (betw. 81st & 82nd Sts.), 212-861-9386; 8:30, 10:30 & 12:30 a.m., $15 & $12 min.

Dance

Improvisation Festival/NY Nancy Stark Smith, Sara Rudner, Andrew Harwood, Bebe Miller & many, many more perform during 11th annual at the Kitchen, 512 W. 19th St. (betw. 10th & 11th Aves.), 212-255-5793; 8, $12 [repeats Sat.].

M.U.D. Performance Co-Op in Jesika Pate's "Excavations of the Heart and Gut: Site #1"; Merce Cunningham Studio, 55 Bethune St. (betw. West & Washington Sts.), 718-383-3158; call for times, $15.

New York City Ballet pres. a George Balanchine production of Tchaikovsky's well-loved The Nutcracker; the NY State Theater, 20 Lincoln Center, B'way (64th St.), 212-870-5570; call for times, $18-$90 [through 1/5].

The Yorkville Nutcracker Dances Patrelle's seventh-annual production at Kaye Playhouse at Hunter College, 68th St. (betw. Park & Lexington Aves.), 212-772-4448; call for times, $40 [repeats Sat. & Sun.].

Yves Musard & Guests pres. "Galaxie Pearl" feat. "the cityscape, recurrent patterns in nature and the individual person's vital space" at Joyce Soho, 155 Mercer St. (betw. Houston & Prince Sts.), 212-334-7479; 8, $15 [repeats Sat. & Sun.].

SATURDAY 12/14

Cabaret

"A Brand New Us" Judy Kreston & David Lahm start fresh w/Ratzo Harris on bass & Phil Leone on drums; Judy's Chelsea, 169 8th Ave. (betw. 18th & 19th Sts.), 212-929-5410; 8:30, $12 min.

Cary Hoffman performs Frank Sinatra's "most celebrated 50s classics" w/an 11-piece orchestra?& listen, this guy sounds exactly like Frank; Carnegie Club, 156 W. 56th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-843-8073; 8 & 10, $30 & 2 drink min.

Va Va Voom Room Miss Astrid hosts night of burlesque, vaudeville, strippers, magicians & clowns for Fez/Time Cafe, 380 Lafayette St. (Great Jones St.), 212-330-9349; 10:30, $15 & 2 drink min.

Comedy

"Comics on the Rise" Darlene Violette pres. the comedy competition finals feat. "Funniest Transit Worker" Joanna Briley; Boston Comedy Club, 82 W. 3rd St. (betw. Thompson & Sullivan Sts.), 718-812-5826; 8, $12 & 1 drink, $10 before 7:30.

"Live Saturday Night" Improv from the Crane Street Players troupe?plus, free wine & beer; the Joyous Life Center, 119 W. 23rd St. #700 (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), RSVP 212-352-9910; 8, $10.

Kerry McNally emcees stand-up feat. Lenny Marcus, Moody McCarthy, John Bush, Ellen Cleghorn & Joe Vega; Comic Strip Live, 1568 2nd Ave. (betw. 81st & 82nd Sts.), 212-861-9386; 6, 8, 10:15 & 12:30 a.m., $15 & $12 min.

"Spreading Our Magical Love" The Usual Suspects give you their all through sketch & improv; Producer's Club, 358 W. 44th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 718-491-1206; 8:30 & 10:30, $8.

Dance

"Chronically Speaking" Shelia Kaminsky Dance/Theatre pres. "a journey, a travelogue of the exotic & a quest for cultural purity"; Mazer Theatre, 197 E. B'way (betw. Jefferson & Clinton Sts.), 212-780-0800 x278; 7:30, $8, $5 st./s.c.

SUNDAY 12/15

Cabaret

"Flotilla DeBarge Chanukah-Kwanzaa-Christmas Spectacular" Nubian Empress Flotilla gets interdenominational on your ass; Fez/Time Cafe, 380 Lafayette St. (Great Jones St.), 212-533-2680; 7, $12.

"Goodfella" Craig Zurlini w/Tracy Stark on piano shows he's got "connections"; Judy's Chelsea, 169 8th Ave. (betw. 18th & 19th Sts.), 212-929-5410; 5:30, $12 min. [repeats Tues. at 8:30].

"Lennie's Holiday Show" feat. Leonard McKenzie w/Timothy Vernon on piano; Judy's Chelsea, 169 8th Ave. (betw. 18th & 19th Sts.), 212-929-5410; 8:30, $12 min.

"She's a Little Bit Cabaret?He's a Little Bit Jazz" But together Susan Baum & Ray Hoffman make beautiful music; Judy's Chelsea, 169 8th Ave. (betw. 18th & 19th Sts.), 212-929-5410; 3, $12 min.

"The Sunday Night Revival" Reverend Vince Anderson & his love choir perform "dirty gospel" feat. audience favorites incl. "Satan Hates Me" at Pianos, 158 Ludlow St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.), www.reverendvince.com; 10 p.m.-2 a.m., free.

Comedy

The Liars propaganda will rouse your inner conscience & get you to your feet?from where you can attack them; Rififi, 332 E. 11th St. (betw. 1st & 2nd Aves.), 212-677-1027; 8, $5.

"O.C.Y.C.'s Holiday Vengeance" Windy city sketch comedy troupe takes out their holiday frustrations on you; Rififi, 332 E. 11th St. (betw. 1st & 2nd Aves.), 212-677-1027; 7, $5.

Tom Soter's Sunday Night Improv See comedy legends mix w/up & comers to give you improved skits, games & musical numbers; the Little Theater at the West Side YMCA, 5 W. 63rd St. (Central Park W.), 212-353-7716; 7, $10.

Dance

An Evening of Dance Theatre Movers feat. Akiko Furukawa, Alexandra Beller, Colleen Thomas, Delicious Biscuit & more at Merce Cunningham Studio, 55 Bethune St. (betw. West & Washington Sts.), 212-924-0077; 8, $20.

MONDAY 12/16

Cabaret

"Eating Out" Janeane Garofalo hosts Comedy With No Standards feat. great lineup incl. Todd Barry, Andy Blitz, Andres DuBouchet, Jonathan Corbett, Jackie Kashian & Nick Swardson; Northsix, 66 N. 6th St. (betw. Kent & Wythe Aves.), 718-599-5103; 8, $10.

"The Wipe 'N Go Tour" Bravo's "The It Factor" alum PJ Mehaffey breaks away from the struggling artist pack w/performance piece feat. songs, stories, lots of paper towels & cohort Alex Bragg; Cornelia Street Cafe, 29 Cornelia St. (betw. 4th & Bleecker Sts.), 212-989-9319; 9, $10 & $6 min.

Comedy

Eddie Brill Stand-up from three-time Mac Award-winner; Caroline's on Broadway, 1626 B'way (betw. 49th & 50th Sts.), 212-757-4100; 9:30, $15 & 2 drink min.

Colin Quinn Stand-up w/Mitch Fatel, Robert Kelly, Godfrey & Sherrod Small at great comedy venue; Comedy Cellar, 117 MacDougal St. (betw. Bleecker & W. 3rd Sts.), 212-254-3480; 9 & 11, $10 & 2 drink min. [repeats Tues.].

Sherrod Small Stand-up w/Steve Marshall, Steve Byrne, Carrie Karavas, Greg Vacarello & Jessica Kirson; Dangerfield's, 1118 1st Ave. (betw. 61st & 62nd Sts.), 212-593-1650; 8:45 to closing, $12.50 [repeats Tues.].

TUESDAY 12/17

Dance

Eliot Feld's Ballet Tech in "Notcracker," a series of "family-friendly" ballets incl. Papillon & Simon Sez; Joyce Theater, 175 8th Ave. (19th St.), 212-242-0800; call for times, $40 [through 12/29].

Mark Morris' The Hard Nut at BAM Opera House, 30 Lafayette Ave. (Ashland Pl.), Ft. Greene, 718-636-4111; 7, $25-$60 [through 12/22].

THEATER

Performance times follow the paper's publishing schedule. (Weds.-Tues.). Call theater for complete schedule.

IN PREVIEWS

Adult Entertainment Danny Aiello & Jeannie Berlin star in new Elaine May comedy about porn; Variety Arts Theatre, 110 3rd Ave. (betw. 13th & 14th Sts.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mats. Weds. & Sat. at 2, Sun. at 3, $25-$65 [opens 12/11].

Gone Home A young writer returns home, trying to reconstruct his childhood & make sense of his adult life; City Center, 131 W. 55th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-581-1212; Weds.-Sun. & Tues. at 7:30, mats. Sat. & Sun. at 3, $45, $20 st. [opens 12/17, through 1/26].

Hank Williams: Lost Highway Musical celebration of the wild life of a country music icon; Manhattan Ensemble Theater, 55 Mercer St. (betw. Broome & Grand Sts.), 212-925-1900; call for times, $40-$45 [opens 12/19].

"Today I am Feeling a Little Bit Less Cynical"/"Just Like a Man" Two performance pieces by Fernand Maneca. The first explores several lives as they interact & intertwine in a single morning commute. The second uses video interviews to connect a range of male stereotypes; HERE, 145 6th Ave. (betw. Spring & Dominick Sts.), 212-647-0202; Thurs.-Sun. at 8:30, $15-$18 [opens 12/15, through 12/22].

Vincent Musical depiction of the life of Van Gogh, who "overcame all obstacles in his path toward greatness." If you consider a one-eared, poverty-stricken suicide to be some sort of fantastic triumph, this is the story for you; Wings Theater, 154 Christopher St. (betw. Greenwich & Washington Sts.), 212-627-2961; Thurs.-Sat. & Mon. at 8, Sun. at 3:30, $19 [opens 1/6].

RECENTLY OPENED

Almost Live from the Betty Ford Clinic Michael West's biting one-man show explores the bizarre mental landscapes of more than 20 celebrities; Douglas Fairbanks Theater, 432 W. 42nd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-239-6200; Thurs. at 8, $20.

Amour Musical love story set in Paris during the 50s w/score by Michel Legrand; Music Box Theatre, 239 W. 45th St. (betw. B'way & 8th Ave.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mats. Weds. & Sat. at 2, Sun. at 3, $60-$85.

Bartenders Louis Mustillo characterizes six men who've made careers out of slinging drinks; John Houseman Theater, 450 W. 42nd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-206-1515; Weds.-Fri. & Tues. at 8, Sat. at 5 & 8, mat. Sun. at 3, $45.

Betty Rules Musical tracks life of female-fronted rock band; Zipper Theater, 336 W. 37th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-239-6200; Weds., Thurs. & Tues. at 8, Fri. & Sat. at 7 & 10, Sun. at 5, $29.90-$44.90.

Blessing in Disguise From the director of Tony and Tina's Wedding comes a cross-dressilicious musical comedy, a show within a show "when it's every drag queen for herself"; Times Square Theatre, 675 8th Ave. (betw. 42nd & 43rd Sts.), 212-279-4200; Weds.-Sat., Mon. & Tues. at 8, Sat. & Sun. at 5, $55, $20 st.

Bliss Debut of Ben Bettenbender's tale of love, revenge & murder between a hit man, a woman & her husband; the Rattlestick Theater, 224 Waverly Pl. (betw. 11th & Perry Sts.), 212-206-1515; Weds.-Mon. at 8, $37.50 [through 12/22].

Boston Marriage Karen Kohlhaas directs David Mamet comedy, feat. Kate Burton & Martha Plympton, exploring class, sexuality & love in 19th-century New England; Martinson Hall, Joseph Papp Public Theater, 425 Lafayette St. (Astor Pl.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, Sun. at 7, mats. Sat. & Sun. at 2, $45 [through 12/22].

Burn This James Houghton directs Elisabeth Shue, Peter Sarsgaard, Ty Burrell & Dallas Roberts in a "turbulent and funny" play about four New Yorkers overcoming their "deepest fears and doubts" after an unexpected death; Union Sq. Theater, 100 E. 17th St. (Park Ave. S.), 212-307-4100; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mats. Weds. & Sat. at 2, Sun. at 3, $30-$65.

Cashetta's Magical Christmas Show Welcome to Cashetta's sparkling Holiday Extravaganza! Complete w/fake snow, flaming menorahs & floating decorations to chill your blood but warm your heart; Fez/Time Cafe, 380 Lafayette St. (Great Jones St.), 212-533-2680; call for times, $10 [through 12/29].

Christmas with the Crawfords Satire in drag presented by Artfull Circle Theater feat. "not-so-traditional holiday songs"; Producer's Club, 358 W. 44th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-206-1515; Weds.-Fri. & Tues. at 8, Sat. at 5 & 8, Sun. at 7, $40 [through 12/28] .

Class Mothers '68 Priscilla Lopez becomes a seductive divorcee, a Puerto Rican seamstress, a Holocaust survivor, a sculptor's wife, a yenta & a community theater director. The goal: produce a musical tribute to their children, about to graduate from high school; Theatre Row Complex, 410 W. 42nd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-279-4200; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mat. Sat. at 2, $45 [through 2/9].

Coming and Going Damen Scranton (Chocolate in Heat) directs modern epic inspired by True West; the Independent Theater, 52 W. 8th St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-206-1515; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mat. Sun. at 3, $15 [through 12/21].

Consummate Happiness The Glass Menagerie's Wingfield family returns, though their long-neglected & frantic sexual drives are now focused on a hapless dinner guest; the Mint Theater, 311 W. 43rd St., 5th fl. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-206-1515; Weds.-Sat. at 8, Sun. at 7, $20, $16 adv. [through 12/22].

Crowns New "gospel musical" based on book Crowns: Portraits of Black Women in Church Hats at Second Stage Theater, 307 W. 43rd St. (8th Ave.), 212-246-4422; call for times & prices [through 1/5].

Dance of the Vampires Michael Crawford stars as 19th-century vampire Count Von Krolock in musical adaptation of Roman Polanski's The Fearless Vampire Killers; Minskoff Theatre, 200 W. 45th St. (B'way), 212-307-4100; Weds.-Sat., Mon. & Tues. at 8, mats. Weds. & Sat. at 2, $25-$95.

Dangerous Liaisons Adaptation of classic tale of conquest & indirect revenge, this time stripped of period cues & presented more as a pure, timeless story; Abingdon Theater, 432 W. 42nd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-473-1239; Thurs.-Sat. at 8, mat. Sun. at 3, $15 [through 12/21].

Debbie Does Dallas Cumming-of-age story based on film of same name feat. original music & new cheers?but the girls keep their clothes on. Hilariously funny & still slightly crude; Jane Street Theatre, 113 Jane St. (betw. Washington St. & 10th Ave.), 212-239-6200; Weds., Thurs., Mon. & Tues. at 8, Fri. at 8 & 10:30, Sat. at 7 & 10, Sun. at 5 & 8, $30-$45, $25 st.

Democracy in Islam Modern-day Muslim Pakistani-American family faces suspicion in their adopted country & a backwards social system in their homeland; Theater for the New City, 155 1st Ave. (10th St.), 212-254-1109; Thurs.-Sat. at 8, mat. Sun. at 3, $10 [through 12/29].

The Exonerated Bob Balaban directs Jessica Blank & Erik Jensen's controversial drama based on interviews w/falsely imprisoned death row inmates found innocent & freed; 45 Bleecker St. (Lafayette St.), 212-307-4100; Weds.-Fri. & Tues. at 8, Sat. at 5 & 9, Sun. at 3 & 7, $55.

Flower Drum Song Story based on novel by C.Y. Lee about Chinese woman who moves to San Francisco; Virginia Theater, 245 W. 52nd St. (betw. B'way & 8th Ave.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mats. Weds. & Sat. at 2, Sun. at 3, $65-$95.

The Golden Age In association w/Bindlestiff Family Varity Arts, Cagey Productions celebrates the lost artistry of vaudeville; Palace of Variety, 125 W. 42nd St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 877-BINDLES; Fri. at 6, Tues. at 7, $15, $7 child. [through 12/17].

Hairspray Musical based on John Waters' film about plump girl's attempts to racially integrate teen dance show; Neil Simon Theater, 250 W. 52nd St. (betw. B'way & 8th Ave.), 212-307-4100; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mats. Weds. & Sat. at 2, Sun. at 3, $60-$100.

Holiday Punch The splenetic Drag Queen Jackie Beat returns like a Christmas plague to vent her thoughts on this, the most festive time of year. Merchandise will be on sale for those like-minded holiday procrastinators; Fez/Time Cafe, 380 Lafayette St. (Great Jones St.), 212-462-9077; Sun.-Tues., call for times, $18 [through 12/21].

Hollywood Arms Moving comedy written by Carol Burnett & daughter Carrie Hamilton, based on Burnett's 1986 memoirs; Cort Theatre, 138 W. 48th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Sat., Mon. & Tues. at 8, mats. Weds. & Sat. at 2, Sun. at 3, $20-$80.

It's a Wonderful (One Man Show) Life! Jason Grossman interprets Frank Capra's classic film; Actor's Playground, 412 8th Ave. (betw. 30th & 31st Sts.), 212-206-1515; Thurs.-Sat. at 8, Sat. & Sun. at 2, $15, $12 st./s.c./child. [through 12/22].

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Murder Kurt Kleinmann's mystery comedy, just in time for the holidays; DR2 Theater, 103 E. 15th St. (betw. Park Ave. S. & Irving Pl.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Sat. at 8, mats. Sat. at 2, Sun. at 3, $45 [through 1/4].

La Boheme Baz Luhrmann's (Moulin Rouge, Strictly Ballroom) re-imagining of Puccini's opera w/English supertitles; Broadway Theatre, 1681 B'way (betw. 52nd & 53rd Sts.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 2, mats. Weds. & Sat. at 2, Sun. at 3, $20-$95.

A Last Dance for Sybil Ben Hammer (The Diary of Anne Frank) stars in new drama by Ossie Davis w/Ruby Dee; the Theatre at St. Clements, 423 W. 46th St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-279-4200; Weds.-Fri. at 7:30, Sat. at 8, mats. Sat. at 2, Sun. at 3, $20-$40 [through 12/15].

A Late Supper Family drama inspired by Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf?; Maverick Theater, 307 W. 26th St. (8th Ave.), 212-206-1515; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mats. Sat. at 2, Sun. at 3, $35 [through 12/22].

Little Ham Musical love story based on Langston Hughes play set during 1930s Harlem Renaissance; John Houseman Theater, 450 W. 42nd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mats. Weds. & Sat. at 2, Sun. at 3, $65.

Locos de Contento (Happily Mad) Argentinean couple prepare for emigration & a better life in faraway Japan. While the wife surrounds herself w/all things Japanese, the husband, along w/Argentina, slips into depression; Gramercy Arts Theater, 138 E. 27th St. (betw. Lexington & 3rd Aves.), 212-889-2850; call for times, $25-$40 [through 1/30].

Love, Janis Homage to the first lady of rock incorporates 19 of her songs & all of her hits; the Village Theater, 158 Bleecker St. (betw. Sullivan & Thompson Sts.), 212-307-4100; call for times, $45-$100.

Maggie's Daughters American Playwrights Theatre pres. love/hate story between sisters; the Trilogy Theatre, 341 W. 44th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-206-1515; Thurs.-Sat. at 8, mat. Sun. at 3, $15 [through 12/15].

Masha No Home A 17-year-old second generation Korean-American realizes her mother's legacy comes w/an ethical dilemma; Ensemble Studio Theater, 549 W. 52nd St. (betw. 10th & 11th Aves.), 212-206-1515; Weds.-Sat. at 8, mat. Sun. at 3, $15 [through 12/22].

MasqueRAID Untitled 2000 ensemble gabbles with "power, sex and politics" during multimedia presentation at HERE, 145 6th Ave. (betw. Spring & Dominick Sts.), 212-647-0202; Sat. & Sun. at 7, $12.

Medea Euripedes' classic tale of a woman's unrelenting & terrible revenge on her husband; Brooks Atkinson Theater, 256 W. 47th St. (betw. B'way & 8th Ave.), 212-307-4100; Weds.-Sat., Mon. & Tues. at 8, mat. Sat. at 2, $60-$80 [through 2/22].

My Doris Day A heartfelt & musical look at the life of Doris von Kappelhoff, aka Doris Day, made w/the support of the lady herself; Don't Tell Mama, 343 W. 46th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 800-887-6639; Sun. at 2:30, $20 [through 12/29].

A Naked Date More bittersweet shenanigans taken from the high-stakes New York dating scene; Producer's Club, 358 W. 44th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-206-1515; call for times, $20, $16 st./s.c. [through 12/21].

The Neal Medlyn Special Each week, Mr. Lower East Side Pageant runner-up & downtown socialite Neal Medlyn entertains the shit out of you, then thrusts a different performer onstage. The Dec. 14th show feat. Rachel Shukert & Dec. 21 is Farris Craddock; Surf Reality, 172 Allen St., 2nd fl. (betw. Houston & Stanton Sts.), 212-673-4182; Sat. at 12 a.m., $8 [through 12/21].

Nobody Knows I'm a Dog The anonymity of the Internet lets six characters lose themselves in wishful personas & fictional lives, until reality returns w/a vengeance; Red Room, 85 E. 4th St., 3rd fl. (betw. 2nd Ave. & Bowery), 212-457-5498; Sun. at 8, $12-$15.

None of It: More of Less Hudson's Bay, Again Naked & high, two twins on a dogsled chase Utopia across the arctic tundra; P.S. 122, 150 1st Ave. (9th St.), 212-477-5288; Weds.-Sun. at 7:30, $15 [through 12/22].

Not Fool the Sun or Fester 'n Sexx at the National Zipper Company It's 1964, gay sex is illegal, recording it on film is VERY illegal, and the sunlight is fading as seven filmmakers frantically race to complete their latest cinematic endeavor; Pelican Theater, 750 8th Ave., 6th fl. (betw. 46th & 47th Sts.), 718-263-3820; Weds., Thurs., Mon. & Tues. at 8, $10 [through 12/19].

The Prince and the Pauper Mark Twain's novel about a man & his doppelganger set to music; Lamb's Theater, 130 W. 44th St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-239-6200; Weds. & Thurs. at 7:30, Fri. & Sat. at 8, mats. Weds., Fri. & Sat. at 2, Sun. at 3, $40-$65 [through 1/31].

A Pure Gospel Christmas Some of New York's best gospel singers are gathered & teamed w/a five-piece band, performing traditional religious fare as well as Christmas favorites; John Houseman Theater, 450 W. 42nd St. (betw. 9th & 10th Aves.), 212-239-6200; Thurs. & Fri. at 8, Sat. at 2 & 8, Sun. at 3 & 7, $20-$40 [through 12/29].

Rapt An endless cycle of personal & corporate selfishness set in a multinational organization; 45 Bleecker, 45 Bleecker St. (Lafayette St.), 212-307-4100; Thurs.-Mon. at 8, $15 [through 12/21].

Repertorio Español continues 35th season w/best of Latin theater incl. Carmen Rivera's Yerma & Gabriel Garcia Marquez's Cronica de Una Muerte Anunciada (Chronicle of a Death Foretold); Gramercy Arts Theater, 138 E. 27th St. (betw. Lexington & 3rd Aves.), 212-889-2850; call for times, $25-$40.

A Queer Carol Flamboyant twist on classic holiday story, starring Danny Pintauro (Who's the Boss); the Duplex Cabaret Theatre, 61 Christopher St. (7th Ave.), 212-206-1515; Fri. & Sun. at 7, $15 [through 12/15].

Say Goodnight Gracie Frank Gorshin plays George Burns, taking you on a guided tour of the famed performer's life, incl. his unlikely marriage to Gracie Allen (the words "Together Again" are engraved on she & George's stone at the cemetery in which they are buried); Helen Hayes Theatre, 240 W. 44th St. (betw. 7th & 8th Aves.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, mats. Weds. & Sat. at 2, Sun. at 3, $65-$70.

Sheehutt and I: Words Said Over a Man at His Wake Poor Sheehutt, born into the Great Depression, maturing just in time for WWII. Comedic stories & pained memories of the South are recounted in this solo performance at Provenzano Lanza Funeral Home, 43 2nd Ave. (2nd St.), 212-316-9518; Fri. & Sat. at 6:30, $25, $12 st./s.c. [through 12/21].

A Soldier's Death New drama by Tom O'Neil (Jack Kerouac: Last Call) documenting what title suggests; 13th St. Rep, 50 W. 13th St. (betw. 5th & 6th Aves.), 212-675-6677; Thurs.-Sat. at 7, $15, $10 st. [through 1/11].

The Three Sisters David Mamet's minimalist modernization of Chekhov; 78th St. Theater Lab, 236 W. 78th St. (betw. B'way & Amsterdam Ave.), 212-946-1448; Weds.-Sat. & Mon. at 8, mat. Sun. at 1, $15 [through 12/20].

Tuesdays with Morrie David Esbjornson directs Mitch Albom's touching autobiographical tale feat. Alvin Epstein as Morrie & Jon Tenney as Mitch; Minetta Lane Theater, 18 Minetta La. (6th Ave.), 212-307-4100; Weds.-Sat. & Tues. at 8, Sun. at 7, mats. Sat. & Sun. at 3, $45-$65.

Unreal City Real-life autobiographical stories from The New York Times' "Lives" column are adapted into a single tale of the strangeness & beauty; Chelsea Playhouse, 125 W. 22nd St. (betw. 6th & 7th Aves.), 212-206-1515; Weds.-Mon. at 8, mats. Sat. & Sun. at 2, $15, $12 adv. [through 12/21].

Vulvis Presley If Elvis had been born a woman, would things have been all that different? Calmer? Perhaps a little gentler? Most likely no, as this new play demonstrates; W.O.W. Cafe, 59 E. 4th St. (betw. Bowery & 2nd Ave.), 212-330-6868; Thurs.-Sat. at 8, $10 [through 12/28].

The Water Coolers Thomas Michael Allen's musical comedy laughs at corporate America & what it takes to make it there; Dillon's, 245 W. 54th St. (betw. B'way & 8th Ave.), 212-239-6200; Weds.-Fri. & Tues. at 8, Sat. at 8 & 10:30, Sun. at 3 & 7, $65.

Yentl Robert Kalfin directs this first-ever Yiddish-language adaptation of folktale about rabbi's daughter who dresses as man to study at Yeshiva (go, Babs!); 344 W. 36th St. (betw. 8th & 9th Aves.), 212-213-2120; Weds., Thurs. & Tues. at 7, Sat. at 8, mats. Weds. & Sun. at 2 & 5:30, $45 [through 12/29].