TAURUS APRIL 20-MAY 20 I wish the universe were inclined to ...

APRIL 20-MAY 20

I wish the universe were inclined to simply reconfigure itself to make a space exactly the right size for exactly who you want to be, carving a niche for exactly the kind of life you want to lead. Don't be deluded that that's going to happen. Nothing's going to change until you make it change. You have to force life to adapt to the person you want to become, by embodying that person, right now, whether it seems like it's possible or not. This is how reality revolution happens, and no other way. Forge the path; don't wait for it to just magically open up, because it never will. Now go. See you on the other side of the brier patch.

GEMINI MAY 21-JUNE 20

You've got keys and keys and keys. You've got keys made of steel, bronze, bone, keys made of ideas and words, keys made of attitude, keys made of love, keys made of luck and circumstance and keys made of sex and lust, and loads of other shit we can't even put into words. But here you are, hitting a locked door, sticking in one plain old house-key, then giving up when that doesn't fit or turn the lock. You're like the fucking janitor; there's nowhere you can't go. If only you knew that. Realize your door-opening capabilities, so you can concentrate on the real conundrum: Where to now?

CANCER JUNE 21-JULY 22

The Scorpio full moon's usually an intense one. Those Scorps know how to have fun, but they rarely stay on the bubbly surface of things. First chance they get, they take it down deep, to where shit lurks, where all the dark sex and mortality muckity-muck lives. Don't resist the potent drive to follow them to those scary and exciting depths, because you're likely to end up neck-deep in them, anyway. In other words, you might as well walk in under your own power with eyes wide open, so you can get the most of the experience, rather than getting dragged in backwards and upside-down.

LEO JULY 23-AUG. 22

This past year, you've gradually reduced the lag-time between knee-jerk reactions and conscious ones. That means you've been giving yourself a chance to actually respond to situations with deeper, more long-term truths that stem from head, heart and gut, rather than the raw, animal ones that can sometimes emerge in the moment. This week, your ruling planet, the Sun, in Taurus, is benevolently conspiring with generous, slow, rotund, jolly Jupiter to help you simultaneously slow down your life's pace and speed up your head-heart collaboration. This is evolution at its most enjoyable, so eat it up, with a spoon.

VIRGO AUG. 23-SEPT. 22

You and your rival(s) (of whom you're barely aware, ironically) are like two divas trying to share a single spotlight, or more accurately (if less poetically), two cordless phones trying to use the same channel. There's a lot of overlap; you keep hearing parts of each other's conversations, and none of it makes much sense. Consider what wavelength you're broadcasting on. Who's getting you, and who isn't, and why? Switch it up a little this week; present yourself in new ways, do things you've never done, or use methods you haven't tried. End result: An almost-guaranteed reduction in your life's dissonance, discord and noise.

LIBRA SEPT. 23-OCT. 22

You're more liable to stumble over your next big thing (breaking your nose, front teeth or pride in the process) than you are to find it while you're hunting for it, right now. Sucks, don't it? If you're looking for it, you'll miss it; if you're not, you'll fall on top of it (or him, or her, or them). It's up to you, baby: Do you want to keep your pretty face and ego intact? Then step up the hunt and you're golden. If not, just start jumping out of planes and playing in traffic, blindfolded (metaphorically, eh? Let's not be stupid here). Featured in your next chapter: a secret treasure hidden inside your backpack (instead of a parachute) or a fender-bender with a new love.

SCORPIO OCT. 23-NOV. 21

I'm such an emotional guy it sometimes takes me a while to just push through the raw feelings a situation stirs in me before I can get to my deepest choices about how I can respond to it. While it's often good to just go with your gut, your first reaction, it's nevertheless useful to take a few minutes to give yourself time to figure out what your second, third and seventh reactions are going to be before you select from among them—especially now when those gut reactions are going to be so fucking big and dramatic (thanks to the full moon in your sign this week) that people could get fucked over, hard.

SAGITTARIUS NOV. 22-DEC. 21

May 1 is the modern date of an ancient ritual that's existed, in one form or another, all the way back into human prehistory: Beltane, or the Rites of Spring. Radical Faeries, pagans and Wiccans worldwide dance, fuck and wield chaos magick around maypoles and perform their own versions of a celebration of sorts that humans have been practicing for millennia. That's powerful. Tap into that, or if that's not your cup of fuckjuice, sink a root deep into something old that people have been up to for ages. You'll not only learn something about yourself you never knew (good or bad), you'll gain at least two of the following: a new friend, stimulating competition, an unprecedented magic power or the first seed of your next big chapter.

CAPRICORN DEC. 22-JAN. 19

This week you may be faced with questions you've never considered before, like: Does pussy or dick really matter? Is work more important than love? Is remembering how to play vital, if it keeps you from conforming to a preconceived idea of yourself? The answer may be a resounding yes or no—and doesn't matter to me. What matters is that you're even asking yourself these questions. Don't quit now when you're so close to learning a truth about how you really feel that will change the way you live your life and experience other people forever.

AQUARIUS JAN. 20-FEB. 18

If Kill Bill hadn't been subject to crass commercial considerations, it might have been presented all at once, instead of unevenly divided in two as it was. This is a very obvious example of one of those situations where greed ("Hey, we'll get them to pay for two tickets instead of one!") handicaps artistic integrity. Learn from it; while it's perfectly reasonable and desirable for you to make money (even good money) from your creative urges, it should never unduly influence you. That's the difference between just selling and full-on selling out. Since you're likely to have the sublime opportunity to choose between these two paths this week, make sure you've made up your mind which one is right for you before you hit that fork in the road.

PISCES FEB. 19-MARCH 20

Faith is the key to your relationship(s). In other words, if you knew exactly why someone was good for you, they would no longer be quite so appropriate for you. An element of mystery is required in everything you love. So let it be there. Resist any urges to pick it apart or analyze it. The love of your life is perfect for you partly because you don't know why they're perfect for you. Get it? So enjoy it innocently instead of trying to figure it out. It's a lot more fun and a lot less liable to screw your life up.

ARIES MARCH 21-APRIL 19

What would make, ultimately, a lackluster romance could actually be a kickass friendship, if you're open to the possibility. Often these things can evolve quite naturally from fuckbud-hood to sweet friendship. However, in this case, sex could involve some emotional weirdness that creates more hurdles for you guys to jump between you and your eventual friendship. Of course, the choice is yours, but a moment of pleasure isn't worth the hours of angst that could follow in this case. Why not just skip all that lust stuff, which is liable to be slightly mediocre, anyway, and just get straight to the good shit, the love?