The Grover Norquist interview. Sort of.

Perhaps no ass in America is as influential as the ass of Grover Norquist, president of the heavy-hitting conservative think-tank Americans for Tax Reform (ATR). At the now-famous weekly meetings of high-ranking Republican officials at the ATR headquarters in Washington, Mr. Norquist's ass, along with the asses of such prominent politicians as Bill Frist and Bush-Cheney campaign manager Ken Mehlman, routinely settle important matters of state policy. At Norquist's bachelor townhouse in Chevy Chase, MD, New York Press' Matt Taibbi sat down with Mr. Norquist's ass last week to discuss its newfound rise to prominence.

Grover Norquist is known as a man with a very hairy face, but you yourself are strangely hairless. Can you comment on that?

(Laughing) Well, I wouldn't say I'm completely hairless. I mean, like any other male ass, I have some pretty thick hair right down the middle. But yeah, it is funny, the other asses at ATR are sometimes like, "Damn! You're so pink!"

It really is an amazing color? like a lobster?

(Laughs again) Well, lobsters do all right. They do all right.

Talk a little bit about asbestos regulation.

Well, the thing is, asbestos laws were originally introduced because companies had concealed from workers the risks of exposure to serious health concerns. But then in the 80s, courts in Louisiana ruled that companies were liable for injuries even if they themselves were ignorant of the risks. As a result, we now have this situation where there are literally thousands of lawsuits, and in almost 94 percent of those cases, the plaintiffs don't even have cancer. At the ATR, we don't think that's right. (Farts) Excuse me.

That's okay. So you're saying people ought to wait until they get sick before they sue?

No. What we're saying is that people shouldn't sue unless they're sick. I think those are two different things. And I? (farts again) Oops.

Jesus.

Little squeaker there. (Laughs) Well, it happens, right?

Right. God, it's bugging me out, watching you talk.

(Cheeks flapping with each syllable) What do you mean?

Nothing? I mean?

This is the way asses talk. What did you expect, a singing saw?

No. Definitely not a singing saw. I'm sorry?what about estate taxes? You've spoken out pretty strongly about them in the past.

Of course. The thing about estate taxes is that 70 percent of the American population is against them. I think it speaks to the fundamental values of working people in this country that they are against them because they see them as being fundamentally unjust. Of course, there's always going to be that argument from some corners, that argument based on class hatred and envy, that's going to say, "Well, let's leave it in there, because it's only two percent of the population," or whatever that's affected by it. But the overwhelming majority of the American population rejects this thinking.

That's right. Didn't you once compare that other argument to the Holocaust?

Well, that wasn't me exactly. That was Grover. But I second it. I mean, it's the same morality of the Holocaust?it's okay to have estate taxes, because it's not me, it's just that two percent. It's the same kind of discrimination.

How do the other asses at the ATR feel about that?

It's not something we've discussed, but I'm sure they feel the same. I know Lo is down with it.

Lo?

Lo. Bill Frist's ass. We call him Lo Mein because he's got that Chinese waiter ass. (Laughs) Narrow and saggy with one freckle.

Do you have any hobbies outside of your work?

Well, I like to cook. And I also write science fiction novels. I'm not published or anything, but it's something I like to do.

How many have you written?

Three. Actually two, and I'm working on a third. It's a series. I'm trying to make this latest one a little like Neuromancer, but I'm getting bogged down in the middle.

What's the main character's name?

Alistair Morquini.

Who's he modeled after?

Well?me, I guess. Except he's a person.

The Washington Post wrote that in the weekly ATR meetings, because there are so many people and no open windows, the air in the room gets "as warm as a hatchery." Does it ever get fumey in there?

You bet it does. Especially when the meetings run long.

What kind of smell are we talking about?

Man, I don't know. You know that?you know that death smell?

You mean the smell of actual death?

No. The death smell you get in your pants sometimes, when you've been wearing them too long.

Oh, that death smell.

It gets like that. Especially in the summer. I remember once, there was this discussion about who we were going to get to run against Bernie Sanders. You'd think?small state, financially weak opponent, how long can it take to decide something like this? But it fucking went on forever. I think it was Frank Keating who kept interrupting with some idiotic objections. What does Frank Keating know about Vermont? Anyway, Grover kept shifting in the chair. And that was one of those days when he'd been eating his tuna?

He likes to eat tuna out of a can, right?

Yeah. Right out of the can, while he sits on this big rubber exercise ball. It's like his media affectation. That's his way of telling you he's in his environment, that you're on his turf, when he's eating tuna and on that ball. Kind of like Churchill and the way he used to have people meet him while he was busy painting a landscape. Anyway, I wish he'd chosen green, leafy vegetables. Because tuna brings on that death smell. That one day?man, it was like my hairs were sizzling every time I moved.

What are your future plans?

Well, I'm going to get gradually bigger and bigger. And then I want my prostate to enlarge so that I lose some muscle control and require more attention, and then I would like to finish my novel, and maybe meet Scarlett Johansson.

What would you do with Scarlett Johansson?

(Laughs) Scare her!

One last request. My editors would like to know if I could ask you to squeeze out a turd onto a souvenir Pennsylvania license plate.

Sure. You mean now?

Yes, if you can.

Well, I think so. Hang on. (Flexes. Small turd-head pops out.) You ready?

Yup. Right here, where it says "Keystone State."

Grrrrrr!

(Narrow at the tip, the turd widens to an enormous missile and projects directly toward the camera.)

That's good?perfect.

Grrrr! No new taxes! No new taxes!

(It drops on the license plate with a thud.)

Thank you.

You're welcome. Anytime!