The Punisher
THE PUNISHER OPENS APRIL 16
THE PREVIEW TO this new Marvel comics hero flick starts off with a bland, middle-class family celebrating its bland, domestic happiness. Then "tragedy" strikes. "Tragedy," that is, if you think that having your wife and child murdered is a bad thing.
Has anybody else noticed the pattern of American male fantasy? Just about every superhero in male art gets his start only after his family is brutally murdered. This gives him license to slaughter, explode and become the ice-cold, gloating, conscience-free killer that every man dreams of becoming.
It got me wondering what the Punisher's life would have been like if the villain hadn't whacked his family. Instead of spreading death and mayhem with impunity, the Punisher would be bringing the groceries home from work and trying to convince himself that he's still attracted to his wife. Rather than uttering killer catchphrases from the preview like, "You can't kill meI'm already dead," the Punisher would be pleading, "Honey, do you mind if I go out with the guys tonight for a poker game? Cuz their wives told them it was okay, so I just thought "
From just the preview, it's hard to tell if The Punisher is going to pay off in any significant, satisfying way. If you have a nine-year-old son, then, yeah, bring him. In all likelihood he's already fantasizing about you and your spouse meeting grisly ends, which would then free him to become the celebrated superhero with a dark side that he's always dreamed of. But if you're a grown-up male, I'm not sure you want to see this movie. Fact is, 99.999999 percent of married men won't be fortunate enough to see their families murdered, and the .000001 percent who do will probably wind up sulking on Zoloft. They won't put on a costume and blow up evil bankers with slicked-back hair, as the Punisher does.
If you're a woman, you definitely don't want to see this movie. Trust meyou just don't want to know what goes through men's minds, just as men shouldn't learn of the evil fantasies revealed in Fried Green Tomatoes or Beaches.
As a vain single male, I'm beginning to wonder if my lack of fame is due to never having married and made children. Maybe it's time I do thatso long as there's someone out there who'll pledge to blow up my family at the right time (i.e., when I'm still young enough to put on a costume and kill bad guys). I'd hate to get married and fertilize one of my woman's eggs, only to grow old with the fuckers.
If any readers are willing to pledge to murder my prospective family, please email me at amesmark@msn.com and we'll see what we can work out.