The Seneca Nation, the buzz about ConEd, Klosterman once again.
You've undoubtedly seen or heard those baffling and vague tv and radio spots put out by the Seneca Nation, accusing the U.S. government of trampling on treaties and the Constitution without ever really explaining what they're so upset about.
They're upset, it turns outand with good reasonover the statewide ban on Internet cigarette sales. The state claims that the law banning such sales (passed in 2000, but not enforced until last June) was intended to keep children from buying cigarettes online. They insist it's a health issue, but it's clear that more and more people are turning to Internet sales in order to evade city and state taxes. As a result, the state is losing out on millions of dollars in tax revenue.
Unfortunately, by trying to put an end to those sales (and thus reclaim that money), they're also killing what has become an integral part of the Seneca Nation economy. Likewise, beginning in March, the state is also demanding that taxes be collected from gas and cigarette sales made on reservations to non-Native Americans. That is, those people who drive from New York to one of the reservations on Long Island to fill up on cheap gas or buy cheap smokes will now have to pay the same taxes they would if they'd stayed in the city.
Seneca lawyers, who are filing suit against the state, argue that the Internet sales ban is an unlawful intervention into the sovereignty of the Nation. They're absolutely right about that. But are they surprised? The wild-eyed mania that has swept through city and state government these past three years doesn't care what sort of damage it causes.
Take, for instance, the mayor's latest effort to ban smoking, which put the screws to local small businesses and turned New Yorkers into his own private Stasi. Early last week, he proposed a bill that offered real cash money to those people who would rat out cigarette bootleggers. Not just those guys with the black plastic bags, eitherhe's after bodegas and delis, too. Anyone selling under-the-radar cigarettes. He suggested that if wholesalers happened to notice a sudden drop in orders from a specific retailer, that retailer should be reported.
The mayor has already seen that people are willing to rat each other out for free, so imagine what they'll do when there's money involved. As it's laid out, the stoolies who drop a dime on a local bodega owner would receive about 15 percent of the back taxes owed by that owner. That could add up pretty quickly. (Of course, getting that check from the city might take awhile.)
The faade that this is about "health" is fast disappearing. This isn't even about cigarettes anymore. This is about a mayor who cost the city $80 million a year with his taxes and bans and who's now desperately trying to recoup that loss without admitting that he made a terrible mistake. We're no fans of the governor, but at least he realizes, in part, that you'll make more money feeding the vices of the people than by attempting to strangle them.
Breaker-Switch 2: Electric Boogaloo
The Jan. 16 electrocution of Jodie Lane in the East Village brought to mind our most recent Best of Manhattan issue, wherein we issued an award for Best Homegrown Public Service Announcement (reprinted left). Con Edison confirmed that 30-year-old Lane was killed after coming into contact with an electrified metal grating. Lane's two dogs, Reilly and Meeko, escaped death but were, according to the Daily News, traumatized both "physically and mentally." Our sympathies go out to Lane's friends and loved ones, and we offer up our Best of Manhattan issue as evidence that attempts were made to make Con Ed aware of the risks associated with their deteriorating equipment.
Deep Fried Pied Piper
Last week, the AP wire reported that the activist group Hispanics Across America is "using bacon, peanut butter and cheese to lure some 10,000 rats to their deaths within a month." Joyce Kilmer Park, near Yankee Stadium, has been outfitted with 20 boxes of the foodstuffs, nominally to bait rodents.
The boogie-down's pest problem may indeed be out of control. But the food choice seemedwell, odd. Peanut butter? Bacon? Those were the King's two favorite foods! If the AP report got the dairy product wrong and the HAA is using butter, that's a flash- fryer away from Elvis' breakfast of choice: the "Fool's Gold Loaf" sandwich.
What are Hispanics Across America really trying to attract? Have there been any Elvis sightings around the Bronx?
Latin Elvis impersonator El Vez could not be reached for comment.
The Story that Just Won't Die
A belated congratulations to Mark Ames. His now-infamous stick in Chuck Klosterman's eye ("The Flip-Flop King," 8/27/2003) was cited by Slate's Ben Williams for the "Most Adolescent Use of Sexual Imagery in a Bad Review." We find it hard to knock Williams or his knack for excerpting, as he reprinted what some found the funniest line in the essay:
"Klosterman is, quite simply and almost literally, an ass. His soft, saggy face bears a disturbing resemblance to a 50-year-old man's failing, hairless back end. His tiny, red mouth is a sphincter twisting to a pained close 40 seconds after taking a brutal pounding from Peter North."
To our surprise, we never heard from Peter North's lawyer.
CRIME BLOTTER Dig that Crazy Driver
Hits, runs and errors abounded in a week that proved once again that automobiles simply don't belong in New York. They should be parked in Jersey, and the owners made to walk in a calm and orderly fashion across the bridges and through the tunnels if they want to come into the city. We've all heard about the strange case of Natalie Guzman, the 18-year-old Queens mother who was struck by two, then one, then three cars (as the story unfolded) in what was either a horrible freak accident or a well-planned murder, depending on whom was asked.
We also heard plenty about 45-year-old Zenaida Rodriguez and her four-year-old grandson, Jonathan, mowed down on a Bronx sidewalk Monday by a teenage car thief who was being chased by police. The teen, Korey Bullock, was arrested not long after barreling over the pair. That did nothing to save Rodriguez's leg, which had to be amputated. The boy suffered head injuries but should recover. And young Bullock is in gobs of trouble.
But those weren't the only cases of vehicular mayhem this week. Or even on Monday. A 30-year-old man crossing a street in Flatbush that night was creamed by a southbound Honda. At last report the man was in critical condition, but no charges were brought against the driver, as it was an accident.
An elderly woman, also from Brooklyn, was crossing the street Monday when the light changed. She was then struck, squashed, dragged and decapitated by a garbage truck, whose driver hadn't seen her in the crosswalk. Not realizing that he was dismembering an old lady beneath his wheels (or noticing the horrified witnesses trying to get his attention), he kept driving. After informing him of what had happened, police realized it was another simple, ghastly accident and filed no charges.
Charges are being filed against wacky Jasmine Thomas, the Long Island teacher who seems to have learned a thing or two from her students. As usual, the initial question was "who cut off whom" as Thomas and another driver were motoring through Valley Stream. Thomas thought she had a pretty good idea what the answer was, so after both cars stopped, she grabbed a baseball bat. When the other driver didn't remember things the same way she did, she tried to knock his head for a home run. Then she tried again. And again. She then drove awaybut not before her clever and bleeding victim ripped off her license plate.
And it was a miracle that (for once) no one was hurt when a car thief hit 80 on the Belt Parkway on Tuesday, with the police in hot pursuit. The would-be Bullitt, Radames Acosta, left one multi-car accident in his wake before slamming into another car and stopping. At that point, Acosta got out of the car and started running (never a good idea) but didn't get far.
And finally, look at poor Art Garfunkelif it weren't for cars, he wouldn't be facing pot charges!