The Who's Who of Potential Roomies

The Mystery Roommate This is the perpetually confounding roomie with no apparent source of income but a constant influx of cash. If you share a place with any or all of the following—trust fund babies, escorts, drug dealers or those with sugar daddies—you’ve got Mystery Roommates because, chances are, you don’t know which of the above best describes them. They keep odd hours. They don’t cash checks. Most of all, they never mention work—not even to complain. These roommates always sport the latest, from clothes to gadgets, and frequent the newest hot spots. Yet, miraculously, they are never late with their rent. You might think this is the ideal roommate, but on the day Mommy Dearest finally pays her only child a visit, or when Pimp Daddy Milkman Squeeze finally comes to collect, you’ll wish that poor, struggling flautist had signed the lease.

The Roommate with Benefits Ah, the Roommate with Benefits. In New York, budding relationships are often given a little shove onto that next level of intimacy. It’s quite tempting to move in together; forget about the easy having of the sex, you’ll save a bundle on rent! The Roommate with Benefits is an elusive creature; he or she can be your future spouse, or nothing more than your nightly lay. The main thing here is, it’s wise to plan ahead—just in case things get a little sticky.

The Party Person We’ve all lived with one of these at some point in our lives—usually college. But some of us have this roommate as an adult, in which case the Party Person is a totally different breed. A super hybrid of youthful impulsiveness and sage experience, the fully matured Party Person comes in two varieties: the cuddly Party Person, who will include you in his or her plans so that you can embrace the festive atmosphere that defines your apartment, and the distrustful Party Person, who will kick you out the six and a half nights a week he or she throws a party. Either way, it means that, at any given time, you’re apartment will be home to no less than seven drunken people who don’t live there.

The Phantom Roommate You never actually see a Phantom Roommate. In fact, having one is almost akin to living alone, except that the typical signs of a roommate are everywhere, like mouse droppings. You leave the apartment one way in the morning, but it’s unrecognizable when you return at night: shoes in the hallway you stumble over upon entry, dirty dishes that aren’t yours because you don’t eat soup on a plate, a dent in the couch that certainly doesn’t fit your ass. But as long as you’re not the Neat Freak, the Phantom Roommate is the Cadillac of roomies.

The Neat Freak The Neat Freak makes an excellent roommate if you, too, are a neat freak. If not, you’ll regularly be made to feel like a naughty two-year-old— and not in a good way. This roommate requires a place for everything and for everything to be in its place. You will learn, if you haven’t already, that the Neat Freak’s world will implode if someone eats those pesky crumbly crackers without a plate, if hair is left in the shower or if someone wears shoes inside the apartment (many Neat Freaks now subscribe to the popular No-Shoe House school of thought). The Neat Freak does not understand Mary Poppins’ wise words regarding a spoonful of sugar. To the Neat Freak, there is no fun to be had until the cleaning is done, and the organizing and the rearranging and the rearranging.

The Cataloguer The Cataloguer is not to be confused with the Neat Freak. Whereas the latter obsesses over cleanliness and tidiness, the Cataloguer obsesses over ownership. You’ll know you’re living with one when the inside of your fridge is the labeling equivalent of the clothing you took to sleep away camp. The Cataloguer has an extremely keen sense of smell, sight, hearing, taste and touch. He or she can smell when you’ve borrowed their sweater, perceive the slightest reduction in their mustard jar, hear you using their toilet paper (after all, it’s four-ply compared to your two-ply), taste when you’ve drunk from their milk carton and feel when you’ve cuddled on their side of the couch.

The Needy Roomie The Needy Roomie doesn’t actually need a roommate, but he or she does need a friend. Thus, this variety of roommate is marked by extreme nosiness. Most conversations between you and your Needy Roomie will go something like this:

Needy Roomie: “So, What are you doing tonight?”

You: “Oh, probably just get some drinks with a few buddies.”

NR: “That’s cool.”

You: “Yeah.”

NR: “Yeah.”

You: “Yeah. Um, what are you up to?”

NR: “Me? Oh, I don’t know. Probably just stay here, maybe watch a movie.”

You: “Cool.”

NR: “(Says nothing.)”

You: “So...”

NR: “Yeah?”

You: “(Long sigh of defeat.) Well, if you want to come…”

NR: “Really? You don’t mind?”

You: “Well…“

NR: “Cool! I’ll go get dressed.” (He or she is still in pajamas at 7:30 on a Saturday night.) 

The Hustler Beware the Hustler. This roommate is always trying to get something for nothing, from toilet paper to groceries and worse. For example, the Hustler’s boyfriend or girlfriend will constantly stay over, but the Hustler will never spend the night at their place (if he or she even has one). So in essence, the Hustler is two roommates for the price of one. This is particularly annoying for single roommates. My advice? Keep your bedroom door locked and buy a fan—the whirring sound helps block out any less desirable noises.

—Kari Milchman