This Week's Horoscope

| 16 Feb 2015 | 04:10

    SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) I need a lube job, baby. Stick out that speedy tongue and slick me up. You're so slippery this week, I'm convinced some of it is bound to rub off. Your usual fast-talking is so accelerated that you ought to be able to talk your way out of situations before they even happen. I wish they taught classes in this stuff. Of course, if everyone were as vibrantly smooth-talking as you, accountability would get tossed right out the window. And then who would you blame for all your mistakes? CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Irritable much? This week, we crown you Queen Brat. Even though you'll order us beheaded, or simply bite our heads off yourself, we ought to accord you the status you so often yield to those bossy Leos, Aries or even those spoiled Pisces. Every so often you erupt like a dormant volcano, and all who stand in the flow of your molten anger had better watch out. Don't resist your royal rage; you'll give yourself an ulcer. But try not to incinerate anyone?you might need them later. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Slipping out the back door in the wee hours of the morning, you're as wispy and delicate as a piece of toilet tissue. I understand your desire to broaden your horizons, sexual or otherwise, but at least make sure you're a clean, unused piece of TP. Your karma is as close to spotless as it ever will be (in this lifetime), so don't start shitting all over it. Your openness and transparency will be your best allies this winter. Don't forgo the zany adventures that have made you the living legend you are today. Just keep it all up front and it'll be all good. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Back in my days as a feral, ring-tailed queer slut superhero, I partied like a rock star. I slept around, kicked my boys out of bed when I was done and got paid to do it. Before that, in my brief stint as a spiritually advanced teen prodigy, I believed that true love was for life, and that by contemplating a flower and thoughtlessly observing my breath, I could achieve enlightenment. Now I look for Zen on my snowboard. I go to India to watch other people be spiritual. And I know that true love is for the moment. I most humbly and nakedly present you with how much I've progressed (or regressed) only to point out that life is all about evolution. Don't get stuck, sweet one. ARIES (March 21-April 19) Even deposed kings and queens still have to work for a living, according to members of the International Monarchist League. Admittedly, some have retained private means, but many have had to take up professions like real estate or insurance. There's not much room left in the world for royalty, my dear prince(ss). Think about that one the next time you want to act like a tyrant. You may not be more than one unpopular decree from a revolution. And you thought being queen was all glamour and worshipful subjects. Nope: Being royal still means walking on eggshells or across flaming coals a lot of the time?you just get to do it in nicer shoes. TAURUS (April 20-May 20) Don't scramble, Taurus. It's undignified. So you're experiencing the domino effect?join the club. One lousy circumstance bangs into another, and another, until everything you thought worthwhile is lying exhausted and broke in dirty sheets like your horny bachelor uncle after 10 minutes with a talented whore. She's showered and moved on, but you've still got to contend with the pillars of your existence, crumbled and tumbled until you're left with the Gallic Ruins interpretation of your so-called life. Suck it up, baby. Put on a toga and start building the Roman Empire. Soon you'll be bingeing and orgying with the best of 'em. GEMINI (May 21-June 20) In my other life as a perennial world traveler, I've encountered some pretty crazy situations. But it's not the surreal extremes of my wanderings that have changed me the most. It's how widely people's perceptions of reality differ from place to place. Staying too long in one location, my reality collapses to tunnel vision, until I forget that there's a whole big wide world out there. Or, if that's too small, a seemingly infinite universe beyond that. Feel too contained by your current reality? Imagine who you could be in the Australian Outback, or India, or as a Martian colonist. You are also all those people?be them. Your local reality will accommodate you, I promise. CANCER (June 21-July 22) Oh, baby. You kinky, kinky, naughty creature. I haven't blushed this much in years. Yes, yes?I'm dying to try that daisy-chain toe-suck you promised me. But I still haven't recovered from the Cuban Cigar Caper; there's still smoke in places that have never seen the light of day. Oh, all right, I'd like to try that Over-the-Rainbow Nipple Stretch you've been talking about. Then I'll be the wicked witch and you can sit on my face like a house. Having trouble convincing your sex partner to experiment with the winged monkeys of your raunchy fantasies? Keep trying. This week, you ought to have better luck at convincing him or her to venture out of the flat Kansas of your ordinary sex life. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) "I'm King of the Slide!" proclaimed one diminutive eight-year-old Lion at the playground. He stood at the top of the slide, arms raised, filled with royal triumph?until those coming up the ladder shoved him backwards down the slide. This week will be filled with moments like this for you. You, too, can ferociously hang on while you're pushed and your fingers are pried from the edge. You may be able to maintain your grip, but you might want to consider accepting your fate with dignity and grace. It's only a short walk around and back up the ladder, and by next week, no one should stand in your way. VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 22) You remember the last time Mercury went retro, right? No, it wasn't the time you split those hiphuggers because they were too tight. Okay, well, it mighta been, but that's not the point. The point is, this time the shit is probably not going to hit the fan. You might have to put up with a little piss and vinegar, but you ought to be able to evade fecal-caliber messes this time around. Grossed out by the nature of my analogy? Just be glad it's all in here, contained in ink and paper, and not out there, in the real world, getting everything all messy. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Whenever I spill salt, I throw a pinch over my left shoulder. This is related to a superstition I heard about as a kid: Whenever you waste something, the devil comes to stand behind you to observe it. By throwing salt in his eyes, you're somehow absolved or relieved from the sin of waste. Nowadays, even if I believed in something as comical and corny as a devil who had the time or interest in observing spilled salt, I am probably more interested in seeing what he might do if I don't toss table salt in his eyes. This week, examine and relieve yourself of some of those archaic neuroses; you need to make room for all the new ones you'll be developing.