This Week's Horoscope

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

"Hold the goddamn phone! I'm not ready yet!" Such are the cries of many Virgos when called into the spotlight, finally, to deliver the performances they've been working on for months. No matter how much work you've put into the thing, it's never quite enough, is it? You nitpicky perfectionist. "My ____ (book, movie, report?fill in the blank with one of your many projects) isn't finished. I need more time!" Ding ding ding! Time's up. Don't be bashful. Whether or not your work is quite up to your exacting standards, it's good enough to blow us away. Quit cowering behind the curtain backstage and stride out boldly into the glory and attention you've earned.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Oh, thank god(dess). You're on the home stretch, finally, of all this bothersome emotionality. One more week of this tedious oversensitive feeling of everything and then Queen Planet Venus moves into the much more glamorous and luxurious Leo, free at last of the worrying influence of Cancer. But you're not off the hook. You don't get to dogpaddle back to the safer emotional depths you enjoyed before. No, now that the frothing waters have calmed and quit some of their churning, it's not time to retreat, but to press onward?to the other side, and bigger, brighter, more beautiful things.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

It's like a home run on the first date (yeah, happens to you all the time, but never quite this easily). It can be like a sudden rush of fast-forward when your life has felt a little paused. But mostly, Pluto?your butch dyke planetary iceball mama?going direct will go unnoticed. It's like the joy of a trip where your flight goes as planned, without turbulence or hitch?leaving your mind free to enjoy?well, whatever it is you twisted scoundrels think about in your spare time. Enjoy the luxury of your fantasies; there's always a storm lurking up ahead somewhere, waiting to make you grab for your floating seat cushion and remember who it was you used to pray to.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

I've sometimes daydreamed about a Sagittarian boyfriend. We'd go on wild adventures together to remote corners of the world, living out our larger-than-life epic fantasies as only action-oriented Fire Signs can. He'd play with my dog instead of being scared of it like some of these pussyboys, and he'd always be ready for another rowdy exploit. Of course, I've noticed members of your tribe are hard to pin down; it's more a matter of catching the same wave and surfing it in to shore together. However, I just wanted to take a moment to let you know?your stocks, counter to the market, are running very high right now. At least consider cashing them in; you might be surprised at what you can get.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Ignore the insults. Shrug off any momentary, habitual embarrassment. I think it's good, at least for the moment, that you lost your shit a little. You're always so capable; perhaps vying for the part of the village idiot or wild-haired, fortune-casting madwoman will teach you a tiny bit of humility or perspective you've been lacking. There are great chunks of wisdom in the trappings of the Fool. It's time you accessed those. This week, give up trying to climb back on the exalted pedestal of the calm, composed and eminently capable, and proudly wear your witchy title of Bone Lady and be as foolish and crazy as you dare.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Be careful what you say this week, and how you say it. It's all you can do?beyond that it's just chance. People are simply very likely to misinterpret your words?in the zaniest ways?this week. Before you know what you've agreed to, you'll find yourself on a Ferris wheel with a blind date, or modeling handbags for your boss, or housesitting for the neighborhood cat lady (and her 73 hungry felines). "Oh no," you think. "I would never consent to anything like that." Of course not, but you probably won't have a choice. Just smile as gamely as possible while you display the purse or clutch the sweaty hand of your new amusement park fiance. The only way out at this point is through.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

I recommend plate-smashing. Buy a stack of thrift-store dishes, find a secluded brick wall and let them fly, accompanying your porcelain Frisbee throws with your most blood-curdling "Banzai!!!" screams. You have got to find a way to release your uncharacteristically pent-up aggressions. You could try bowling, tackle football or grape-stomping, but people might look askance at your oh-so-necessary vocalizations. They'll blame you for disrupting their concentration when they miss the spare, or for souring the wine with your discordant yodels. My prescription: platter-shattering. It never fails to make me feel better, and people won't mind the cursing and howling?everyone knows it comes with the territory.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

To help you prepare for your week, I'm tempted to deliver some painful cliche, like "People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones." More appropriate to your peculiar situation might be: If your house is made of cheese, don't throw mice. Platitude A suggests that people might mirror your actions, lobbing rocks back at your precious, fragile and dramatically vulnerable abode. My maxim is more accurate. Your danger doesn't spring from anyone else. If you're not careful, your very actions are likely to creep back on their own and nibble the house down around your ears.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Aw? you were getting kind of used to all the sweetness: the cuddling, the backrubs, the hot tea in the morning. Yeah, it was sappy and cheesy, but you like that occasionally. Enjoy your breakfasts-in-bed while they last. Your pamperer (even if it's you who's been treating you to all this luxurious nurturing) will soon be demanding slightly less introspective activities?nights out on the town, adventures in the hills or party-hosting escapades. Don't resist those wilder urges. You know you'd be bored with couch theater and ice cream every night after a while. Let the antics begin?especially because they don't have to completely replace all the syrupy downtime, only provide a delicious contrast to it.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

It would be way more constructive to hash out disagreements with a rubber band war than to actually try to discuss issues this week. Metaphorically launching your arguments on a thin strip of stinging elastic will hit your antagonists in the only way they'd hear them?with a slap in the face (however slight). If you're not into delivering your perspective with a sharpened edge, don't bother sharing it?it'll glance right off the mask of deliberate misunderstanding those who oppose you will be wearing.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Yo' Mama! A powerful Cancer archetype is the big-hipped Mother Goddess that is one of the earliest human symbols. Even if you're a guy, you've got to respect the kind of feminine (very different from effeminate, boys) force you possess in spades. Don't get all defensive now?it's an honor to wield the power of Nurture in all its forms. Men and women alike search for that ability, on some level, in their mates. Let your current or potential loves rest their weary troubles on your ample bosom (real or imaginary) for a while. There are no guarantees, but it will make them a little more likely to stick around the next time you're in need of a little nurturance of your own.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Joni Mitchell sang: "Songs are like tattoos ?" I like her analogy. Anything we put out there that is heard or seen brands us, permanently, like ink under the skin. I urge you to remember this as you create. This is not to say that we cannot transcend our past creations. Of course we can. One way is to recognize that they simply mark points in the progression of our human experience, the record of who we were "back then." You're capable, right now, of bringing forth some beautiful thing that will not only make you proud for years to come, but will grow with you, only something in you is holding it back. Why? Don't be afraid of your own power, baby. Let it come.