This Week's Horoscope

| 16 Feb 2015 | 04:20

    SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Mounds of trash lean and settle like sea lions. Blubbery folds of plastic overlap dangerous tusks of broken chair legs, rusty metal pipes, a dilapidated Sears swingset. Crumpled white papers blow over the piles like starving sea gulls, searching for morsels of food. Waves of dirt, ash and styrofoam bits lap gently at the edge of the hills of garbage?cigarette butts are strewn throughout, carelessly, like bird droppings. It's time to set sail over the sea of refuse you seem surrounded by. Disgusting as it appears, I promise: there's no end to the delights on the new continent of truth I'm confident you'll discover by next spring. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Although you can be as contagious and inconvenient as poison ivy at times, you've been keeping an exceptionally low profile lately, Cap. Lurking like a toadstool among daisies, you've been taking notes and spreading spore. Pretty soon, though, you're going to bloom. Like a passionflower, or an exotic bird-of-paradise, you'll outshine those simple daisies, appearing as precious and rare as an orchid. Go to bed happy tonight. In the morning you'll awaken a beeyootiful butterfly. Displaying your beauty and appeal will attract your share of predators and sheep, so you'd better hide poison darts in your nectar-sipping proboscis, or switchblades behind your petals. You must have some way of keeping those worshippers in line. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) The pond teems with myriad tiny fish, each no more than an inch or two in length, feeding in the gray sludge in the shallows. Each step I take rouses countless drowsy crickets, grasshoppers and tiny brown frogs, who leap sideways and backwards away from my giant, crushing feet. Yellow flowers with wispy petals nod their crumpled faces like agreeable old people. Dogs bark from the trees opposite us. A dragonfly zips by in a magenta streak. Feel like your life is slightly dead, or empty? Go forth, zombie, and actually take note of what's around you. There's life in the cracks of the concrete sidewalk, in the smiling face of that woman on the street corner, in the fleas on her dog, even inside you. Slow down and find it. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) Several thousand people in Indonesia have reported being robbed of valuables and money while under hypnosis. A brief conversation on the bus has persuaded some to simply hand over all their valuables. A few even invited thieves home where they continued giving away their most precious possessions. You might be accused of a similar crime, despite the fact that you're completely innocent, at least in this case. Your powers of persuasion are turned up so high you could probably convince Grandma she was president of a nude colony on Mars. Be careful what you ask for, no matter how politely?or only ask for things you know people would enjoy giving to you. ARIES (March 21-April 19) What is this? Explain yourself, Aries! You actually looked before you leapt, planned ahead?you bothered to set yourself up for at least the short-term future. Perhaps it's because your ruling planet, Mars, has taken up spartan residence in the sign of Capricorn. Or maybe you've finally realized that your innate boldness and gumption will only get you so far. You've begun learning to take steps to prepare yourself for the future, arming yourself with keen foresight. Keep this up and you'll be a legend in no time or, better yet, in your own time. TAURUS (April 20-May 20) You can't just pull up a tree like the one you've grown up to be. Even if your solidly planted roots could be so easily yanked from their iron grip on the earth, it'd be a complicated operation of disentangling them from the network of roots comprised of friends, neighbors, etc. Yeah, sure?these people rely on you. At times you feel bowed by the burdens placed on you by your companions. Despite feeling put-upon, or drained, trust me: your truest strength is in your friends, and your riches, too. GEMINI (May 21-June 20) Quick, quick?start setting up alibis. Starting next week, you'll be wearing an irremovable post-it note between your shoulder blades that reads: "Blame me." Since you're attracting all this unwanted attention, you'll want to deflect the ugly, medusa-like glare of your accusers with plenty of polished silver shields, or foolproof excuses. Appealing, isn't it, turning your adversaries to stone with the strength of their own accusations? There's one catch you should know about: the fewer your personal contradictions (your detractors will call them hypocrisies) the better this kind of reflecting magic is going to work. CANCER (June 21-July 22) Start sharpening your pincers, Crabby. I've got the key to resurrecting your waning sex appeal. One of the elements of a successful seduction is danger, mystery, adventure. For example, let us examine two of the sexiest signs, your watery cousins: Scorpio and Pisces. For those fast folk who flit capriciously to be consumed by Scorp like moths immolated in a flame, it's that possible sting that inexorably draws them in. Or those who drift helplessly into Pisces' hypnotic grasp can feel the potential of drowning in his or her cloudy emotional depths. So start brandishing those claws, baby. Sure, it'll scare some folks away. But you're hardly a suitable match for the weak of heart anyway, now are you? LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) Almost every item I travel with is a gift. Oh, sure, I bought all the essentials (car, tent, sleeping bag, etc.), but everything else I bother to cart around is from some friend or other. Despite the fact that I've gotten more efficient and resourceful as I've gained experience, and continually pared down my stock of "necessary" possessions, my collection still grows. It's Leo sentimentality. Most of you, I know, have collections of old letters dating back to high school. Lions can't seem to bear parting with any reminder of how great they are. The more effusive the praise in that 25-year-old love note, the more special the gift?the more trouble you probably have getting rid of it. But what have you done for me lately? Spend this week buying presents or sending adoring e-mails to all of your favorites, and some of your second-favorites, too. VIRGO (Aug. 22-Sept. 22) Two bank robbers in DC decided against using face masks; instead they tried rubbing lemon juice on their faces because they'd been told it blurred security cameras. Naturally, it didn't work?they're still serving part of their 24-year prison sentences. When attempting anything out of your normal routine this week, do your research. If you're going to rob a bank, at least figure out what's worked for people in the past. And if something someone tells you flies in the face of your common sense, ignore it or, better yet, laugh. LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) You know what I do when I feel boggled, emotionally muddled or just plain shitty? I get in my Volvo, open the sunroof, roll up the windows and begin driving aimlessly. I load up a good CD and begin to sing, howl and holler at the top of my lungs. By the time I get back home, I invariably feel renewed, emptied out and in possession of at least one dose of emotional clarity. While wandering in the swampland of your feelings, try singing, screaming or at least breathing deep?it ought to help keep you on the surface instead of getting pulled by the sucking mud until you're in over your head in stinking murk.