This Week's Horoscope

Aries (March 21-April 19)

"You reap what you sow" should have special resonance for you this week. Some seeds are easy: you can throw them almost anywhere and they'll grow, even under inhospitable conditions, wrenching themselves up through a crack in the sidewalk or clinging to the rocky face of a snowy mountain. Others require more before they'll sprout: fires, floods, extremely specific temperatures, the right type of soil, etc. So far you've been casually scattering seeds left and right, but unless you take some time to at least water (and maybe fertilize) the ones you really care about, your life will soon be overrun with weeds and not much else.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

What did you expect exactly, a tickertape parade? Although your latest creation's reception was more lukewarm than you'd like, you shouldn't get too pissed off about it. Many artists and geniuses aren't appreciated until long after they're dead. The bad news is that you're not likely to get any kind of immediate acclaim or recognition for your brilliance. The good news is that you won't have to wait until some posthumous awards ceremony to finally get the praise and acknowledgment you deserve; it may come as early as next month. Patience, baby.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Although you often think of your different facets as separate entities, one often has the power to drag the other one down (or up!). For example, if you let your devilish side indulge in a three-day vodka binge, it doesn't matter how resolute or well-intentioned your angelic side is; ain't nothin' gonna get done. I admire your ability to pursue many paths and goals at once?just be careful this week about letting them diverge too far. Continue your multi-tasking and manifold dream pursuit; just keep all your twin selves in sight and out of trouble.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Despite months of preparation, it's not until the starting bell has sounded that you realize a few things: as expected, you're in a kickboxing ring, about to duke it out with the greatest single source of your most debilitating insecurities. But with panic you realize you forgot the mouthpiece that's supposed to guard your teeth, the padded headgear designed to prevent brain damage and every other piece of protective equipment you ever owned. Unfortunately, there's no backing out now without forfeiting the match, especially not with the frenzied screams of half-mad onlookers urging you on. It looks like it's going to be a long fight instead of the one-two K.O. you'd anticipated. Still, I predict that if you stay alert, make use of your newfound flexibility and keep moving, you'll win this fight without your protective gear; without, in fact, your opponent even landing a punch.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Screw Winner's Guilt. In the past, whenever you've managed to get most aspects of your life to a good place, you've started to feel bad about the schmucks who don't have it so easy. Consequently, you consciously or unconsciously sabotage some or all of your successes. Don't do that! Instead of losing on purpose, go for the win. There's a way to avoid all that icky guilt about being so great. It's called sharing?and not in some snooty king-bestoweth-blessing kind of way, which would only reinforce those crappy complexes. Instead, consider yourself as lucky as a lottery winner, and just give it away, without the ego trip.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

You can use the language construction known as expletive infixation to infuse a word with new emphasis, intensity,or meaning, as in fanfuckingtastic. However, you can't do this with just any old word; trying to stick it to the word "ridiculous" results in terribly awkward amalgams like ridifuckingulous, or ridfuckingiculous. You'd be better off just keeping them apart. To do otherwise is just fucking ridiculous. I enlisted this rather silly and academic metaphor to convey a simple concept: not every situation benefits from you shoving yourself right into the middle of it. Want to add your flavor to something this week? Stand outside of it; whatever you have to offer will be much more graciously received.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Sticking it out to the end of the rather dull play you got yourself roped into going to so you can make polite noises at those involved may be the more tactful thing to do. However, despite the Taoists advocating that path of least resistance, it's not really the answer. It's simply not in your best interest to be tactful at the expense of your own enjoyment this week. You so often suppress your righteous opinions and instincts in the interest of greater outward harmony. Fuck that shit. Say it with me: Fuck that shit. You can go back to your beautifully diplomatic ways next week, but for right now: say what you mean, and do what you want.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

This week, impetuous romance is in; heartfelt emotional processing is out. I can't really tell you what to do (it'd hardly be spontaneous then, would it?) but I can tell you what to steer clear of: anything that reeks of the familiar (even the pleasantly familiar) is a definite no-no. If it smacks of the routine or the regular, avoid it like the plague. And above all, don't drag your lover into the dirty laundry pile that's been building in your emotional closet. You can air that shit out next week, when you're riding on the glow from this one. For now, keep that door shut and get out there and do something fun.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

You remember that little dream? The one that fell off your glory train a big hill or two ago? It was a loose caboose of a dream that derailed and rolled down into the valley below. In the interest of getting all your other goals and responsibilities safely to their destinations, you had to let it go. But a curious turn of events this week may just bring you to a loop of track that runs so close to that discarded dream that you can hitch that baby right back on. I can't imagine why you wouldn't.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

You may have hit on a workable formula for modest success. It was probably even easy for you to figure out. There's a way things are done, and if you're good enough at it, you've pretty much got it made. However, there are other, more original ways to hit it big, in whatever sense you like. The vision you're contemplating is one of these. Look ahead; you know what your life on the Footpath of the Sure Thing would be like. But imagine if you had the courage to take the Boulevard of your Wildest Dreams. Guess what? You do. Now don't wuss out.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

The universe, apparently, is beige. Dr. Glazebrook and Dr. Baldry of Johns Hopkins University used a complicated color scheme to calculate the average hue of the cosmos. They gave a numeric value to the colors of the different galaxies, added them together and came up with the shade the universe would look like to an observer standing somehow outside of it. The result: beige. I'm sure you're as horrified at this result as I am. Although there's not much you can do today to affect the galactic spectrum, you can and should make sure that your local environment and the lives you touch are at least a few shades wilder and more exciting.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

When you're traveling, sticking to the guidebook's recommendations will usually yield a familiar experience; a known quantity, so to speak. The best (and the worst) places, the ones that don't fit in some basic mold, tend to be left out or glossed over in the guidebook. (In fact, many of the best places try to keep from being listed at all, because being flooded with tourists would ruin them.) These can only be gleaned through actual word-of-mouth connections, where fellow adventurers, hip to your coolness, will clue you in on where it's really at. Although your current trip takes place entirely at home and inside your head, avoid anything like a guidebook, in favor of hints people might slip you (possibly without even knowing it) that could lead you to an all new internal sweet spot.