This Week's Horoscope

| 16 Feb 2015 | 04:09

    SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) You can't help but excite people. Chalk it up to pheromones, that look in your eye or the way you dress, but many people have trouble resisting you. All that's about to change. In the coming weeks your animal magnetism is moving north of the border. You'll be sparking ideas in people's heads, instead of their crotches. This can be good, being a walking whirlwind of inspiration. Perhaps a fruitful partnership or two? Don't be disappointed by your slightly lessened below-the-belt impact. You might be surprised how well people are turned on by their muse. Find it hard to believe? You won't soon. SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Somehow you've preserved this reputation as someone who makes fewer stupid mistakes than the rest of us. I'm onto you, though. My network of friendly spies has been keeping tabs of every dumb mishap you involve yourself in. What's remarkable is how ably you get out of them, or turn them to your advantage, usually escaping notice. Leos could learn from you?they make every error into huge drama. But you could learn from Leos, too, because they know how to turn their successes into grand productions as well. And since your own recent accomplishment has gone mostly unnoticed, to your own detriment, I can only suggest you learn your Leo lesson sooner rather than later. CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) In general, Capricorns have the longest attention span in the zodiac. This is evident when you ably tackle long novels, epic films or interminable projects with equal aplomb. Some signs can barely finish a children's book, let alone sit through a five-hour movie or clean the bathroom tile with a toothbrush. You're not so good at multitasking, though, especially in social situations. That's why you Caps function best with a sidekick, someone who can lubricate your personal life, tactfully ease your way through awkward scenes and provide you with subtle cue cards regarding what to say and when to say it. You already have someone in your life who plays this role, at least sometimes. Identify the Ernie to your Bert, the Smithers to your Mr. Burns, and give him or her the praise they deserve for greasing your way toward what is almost a normal social life. AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) The pantheon of Greek gods and goddesses is as inbred and dysfunctional a family as you could ever imagine. You have husbands and wives sleeping with every man, woman and animal they can get their glowing mitts on, eating planets, whole sheep and each other, and bizarre mutants welcomed into the family without a second glance. By comparison, your own relatives, who you've been so down on lately, are comparatively sane. If a whole culture could worship the most screwed-up family in history, the least you could do is accept your place in your own clan. PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20) While I was sitting here preparing to type out your horoscope, a tiny black cloud zipped through the window and drenched me and my computer with pelting rain, stung me with miniature lightning bolts and deafened me with diminutive, close-proximity thunderclaps. It's a message: Your chances of winning the lottery, being struck by lightning or encountering another love of your life are very high this week. At first, you may be disappointed with how simple and undramatic it is ("What, only 10 bucks?!"). But even if the lightning is smaller than the static electricity from a thick winter sweater, or the love is as unassuming as an old friend, it's still lightning; it's still love. It's up to you to decide how much of a charge you get from it. ARIES (March 21-April 19) What do you do when someone's got you by the horns? Just say, "Well, at least it's not my balls," and continue on with your life as best as you're able? Wrestle with the situation until one of you has succumbed? Grab the other guy's horns and fight fire with fire? Unfortunately, as you've probably discovered in the past, these strategies are never surefire and often disastrous. So give in. I'm not talking about the kind of wishy-washy pandering I alluded to in the first scenario. Some animals shed their horns every year, and just grow new ones?why can't you? So the next time someone's got your antlers in a vise grip, simply respond with, "Fine. You can have them." TAURUS (April 20-May 20) I can't roll my R's. I discovered this while trying to learn Spanish for a possible trip to Latin America this winter. My tongue just won't conform to that shape or move in that way, despite its versatility in other areas. What a disappointment that I can't control this most intimate of muscles to the degree I'd like. I'm confessing to you because you're accustomed to these minor betrayals from your body. Luckily for you, most Taureans are blessed with beautifully strong bodies, so you can compensate for any tiny infirmities with your robust strength and health. So you can't wink properly, or wiggle your nose. So the fuck what? Quit focusing on the little shit you can't accomplish and take pride in all the big things you can. GEMINI (May 21-June 20) I like Geminis because you're comfortable with the idea of having multiple personalities without being insane. Or, rather, being insane in a way that makes you a more successful human being. Perhaps the difference is the level of control. If you can determine which personality is dominant at which time, that's powerful. The emotional genius can come to the fore when dealing with your girlfriend, the capricious capitalist when it comes to corporate finances, and so on. Your multiplicity is your genius, not your weakness. CANCER (June 21-July 22) It takes a while for psychic energy to coalesce into something real. But don't get frustrated. All this time, you've been building up momentum. Once your idea has achieved enough inertial force, you'll see results. Don't stop now. Even though it seems like your life is settling into the sort of grind you experienced last fall, it's just an illusion. Cover all your bases, certainly, but all the while believe that something vivid and exciting is about to happen to you. It is. LEO (July 23-Aug. 22) Venus is only in Leo for one more week, before she shimmies over into that eminently levelheaded sign, Virgo. You have one last chance to don those go-go boots and the skimpy see-through shorts you haven't managed to debut this season. Luckily, you've got enough leftover sunshine from summertime to cast yourself in a glittering spotlight. But don't be content to settle for just one more show before winter comes. Plot your yearlong stardom with the cunning of a cutthroat Hollywood agent. Anxious about what your entertainment could possibly consist of? Just be your shining self, Leo. That's drama enough for everyone. VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Most Virgos don't bother with frilly amenities like silk sheets or mirrors on the ceiling. They're too impractical to consider seriously. It doesn't matter. The coming weeks will be so exciting that you could have burlap on your bed and you wouldn't even notice. Actually, the extra friction might titillate you further. You'll be so horny you could get off watching a Balinese shadow puppet show?so who needs mirrors? You'd better get a date book to handle your sleeping schedule, or you might end up with a very crowded bed.