This Week's Horoscope

| 11 Nov 2014 | 09:56

    Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) Never underestimate the power of your displeasure. In recent years, you've been so remarkably flexible and easy to please that your anger-credibility ratings are way up. That's why it's important not to overuse your bitchiness right now, even though it seems that many little things are so fucking irritating! Ultimately, though, it's just little shit, not worth getting worked up about. Deal with it out of habit if you must, as the sane person you've pretended to be all these years. Be calm and rational, not hyperemotional. Save the insanity for later this month, when it'll really come in handy.

    Aries (March 21-April 19) So you're not used to being a welcome mat?simultaneously inviting people into your life while letting them wipe their filthy feet all over you. Don't get used to it. (As if!) However, I am worried about you, Aries. While I cherish the openness you've wielded to bring new folks and elements into your sphere, I'm not crazy about the nelly way you've gone about it sometimes, to your own expense. There are ways to be strong, bold and inviting without being threatening. You're not going to scare anyone off, at least not anyone who really deserves to be in your life.

    Taurus (April 20-May 20) Oh, shit. You woke up this morning to discover you were chained to the wall, heavy manacles hanging from your ankles and wrists. No need to freak, though. Your ability to act might be slightly impaired, but don't start imagining dank, dark dungeon rooms just yet. Ignore that ominous, maddening drip your paranoid fantasies have conjured up. Or go ahead and indulge those dark fantasies if you must?that way you'll be pleasantly surprised when your torturers arrive, equipped not to deliver pain, but only the pleasure you've been craving.

    Gemini (May 21-June 20) Your secret fantasy is trembling on the brink of fulfillment. Does that make your nipples stand up? It should?you've been ready to fulfill one of your most private desires for a long time now, but simply haven't. Perhaps you just needed someone to encourage you to go for it. So whether that special wish you've been harboring is sexual, romantic, political, etc...set the ball rolling. Put yourself out there. The universe wants to grant your wish. You just have to provide a doorway for providence to come through.

    Cancer (June 21-July 22) By now, you should be realizing some of the ramifications of the deep resolutions you made around New Year's: how easy or difficult they are, how effective. Lucky for you, you're on the Astrological Installment Plan. Though your basic decisions on how you want to change or more fully live your life are already made, you can still effect minor revisions, edit certain specifics and otherwise improve on the ideas you adopted earlier this month. Start planning those course corrections now: Edition 2 of Your Life 2000, newly fine-tuned, is due to come out next week.

    Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) Lately you've been such a sweetie. The kind with a hard, shiny, candy shell and a soft, gooey center. You've been awfully worried that someone might crack that colorful exterior and expose the tenderness beneath. Fair enough, but don't get too agitated. According to my astrological calculations, your vivid emotional exoskeleton should hold up just fine. You're crunch-proof. However, even the most stubborn bonbons can hardly resist tender persistence. But should you meet the person who's prepared to patiently dissolve your emotional defenses, I doubt you'll be complaining as you melt in his or her capable mouth. Yum.

    Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) I often think of you as some kind of metaphysical yo-yo. Constantly spinning and twirling in a flurry of activity, while simultaneously swinging from the deeply familiar to the distant unknown (either emotionally, out in the "real world" or both) and back again. I'm so in awe at the way you maintain your self-awareness in the midst of all this motion. Now that I've called attention to this astounding ability of yours, I hope you won't totally freak out when you notice the deeper and darker (read: more exciting and magical) waters you're treading this week.

    Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) My grandmother used to sunbathe so much every summer, by fall she'd be as brown and worn as an old leather purse. White-trash girls I went to school with would spray their hair up so high, its shadow would obscure any beauty they might otherwise have had. A lot of people simply aren't aware of how their habits don't become them, actually detract from their intrinsic beauty. Whether or not they listen, I think it's doing them a favor to gently let them know about the things that are holding them back from fulfilling their true potential. It's in this spirit that I tell you: At least for one week, stop weighing yourself against other people. Whether you find yourself wanting or think those others inferior, it doesn't matter?and it just doesn't suit you.

    Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) New habits encounter resistance. The inertia of the past is as thick and ugly as raw sewage. The first week or three of going to the gym, you're sore, aching?it's so hard to drag yourself through that damn workout. For me, I used to (and still do, to some extent) struggle with writing. But I learned to overcome that painful reluctance because I can vividly recall how good it feels to complete a piece of work. Likewise, you can learn to dangle the potential pleasure of your new practices like a carrot in front of the jackass stubbornness of your inner opposition. Ideally, every moment of our lives should be made up of satisfying habits and joyful spontaneity. True, there's a lot of necessary shit that just can't be enjoyed, but it's your task this week to find or create at least one more thing that can.

    Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) Hey, Lovebunny. This week you might find yourself doing something as ridiculous and cheesy as puttering around in a swan-shaped paddleboat, or as deliciously dumb and romantic as sleeping in a heart-shaped bed with red satin sheets. It's good practice for the weeks ahead. I'm not talking about the bullshit of Valentine's Day, although you could work that if you wanted to. You might be falling in love in exactly that ludicrous, corny way. Don't fret if there's not actually another person involved. Falling in love with your life is far more rewarding in the long run?once you do that, everything else (including that overrated but wonderful interpersonal love thang) will just fall into place.

    Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Humans have already created tools to enable us to do virtually everything we can conceive of doing. We've used machines to tunnel and explore deep into the earth. We have snorkeling and scuba gear to enable breathing underwater. Airplanes, hot-air balloons and hang gliders give us flight. We've invented equipment that helps us to venture into the most inhospitable climes: the fiercest desert, the frigid Antarctic or the vast cold of space. If we can do so many things in this physical, most concrete level of reality, then why do you doubt your ability to create technology to help you explore the much more nebulous (and malleable) world of emotions?