This Week's Horoscope

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Amen! Hallelujah! Climb up on that soapbox, baby, and tell it like it is! We are ready to receive your glorious wisdom! See how the masses grovel before you, quaking with awe. We quiver anticipating the holy enlightenment you bring! What? Wait! Don't run the other way! Fear not how well-received your words are this week. Just choose them carefully, because the ears they'll fall on are anything but deaf. We're not about to let you start a new religion with you as avatar, but we will let you get just a taste of that kind of power. Don't let it carry you away, though?the more seriously you take the responsibility that comes with it, the longer you'll get to keep it.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Setting your clocks fast works for only a little while. Even if you do it by some odd number like seven or 13, your brain starts automatically doing the math eventually. The trick is getting a coconspirator in on the plan. He can randomly set the clocks ahead one day when you are out. Consequently, you'll magically be on time to all your obligations, since you'll never know when he did the deed or how much time he gave you. Fooling yourself into leaving early isn't the only self-deception you may need this week. Since you're so clever, enlist the aid of some trickster who can help you pull the wool over your own eyes.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Heaviness doesn't have to suck. Think of the pleasant weight of a handmade quilt pinning you to clean sheets at the end of a grueling day. Just because your emotions are unusually thick and plentiful doesn't mean you should contemplate entering your artistic blue period. All that cloying internal tonnage may contrast unpleasantly with your normal airy lightness-of-being, but there are things that can be done better in this spiritual viscosity, like making love. Instead of spending the week trying not to choke on the glut of feelings you're experiencing, explore ways to make them work for you.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

I've noticed how social contact often goes in waves; I won't hear from anyone for a while, then, in a span of days, three or more people I haven't spoken to in months will contact me. If I'm paying attention, I can often point to something that's happening "up there" to justify this feast or famine of long-distance love. Opening up your astro-fortune cookie this week reveals a message along the lines of: "You will be reunited with a lost love," or "Lucrative venture with childhood friend lies ahead," or "Your fiercest nemesis is stalking you." Prepare yourself for an encounter with an almost-forgotten past.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

It takes a certain type of emotional endurance or ruggedness to happily inhabit a city. Living in the freezing but beautiful, only lightly populated parts of northern Canada would also require a certain amount of spiritual stamina, for example, that most city people probably would have trouble mustering. You, however, have emotional resiliency that's far above average. I can picture you giddily bouncing between icy Canadian lakeside cabins and elevated but cramped New York apartments. Most people overestimate their internal versatility. You're in danger of underestimating yours. Don't?you're more adaptable than you think.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Ever since my move to New York, my hand-washing frequency has increased dramatically. Taken out of context, my recurrent lathering and rinsing could seem very obsessive-compulsive. But it has a rational root, even if it does end up wandering into neurotic territory: I'm suddenly touching many things (like subway handles) that many other people have also touched. Similarly, your behaviors have seemed highly unusual and even unhealthy?viewed in certain lights. Placed into their natural settings, however, they make perfect sense. Make an effort to clue people in on the big picture this week?especially those with a tendency to focus on a narrow sliver of it?before someone commits you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

The way you've been trying to apply one-size-fits-all philosophies to very complex issues doesn't really work. Imagine what would happen if you decided one icon was enough for all your imaginary needs: Santa Claus filling in for the Tooth Fairy is a creepy scenario; I personally don't want an old man who collects children's teeth coming to my house, for any reason. It's less important to be consistent than it is to do what works. In other words, allow contradictions to coexist inside you; you're big enough to hold them all, and your life will have richness and grace because of the minor disharmonies it contains that simply weren't there in their absence.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

If you had a shell, this would be a good week to retreat into it. Failing that, coating yourself with some Magic Shell ice-cream topping might not be a bad idea; the emotional temperatures of your local climate are bound to be highly inhospitable. Having a layer of deliciously crunchy, chocolaty goodness shielding you from everyone else couldn't hurt. I advocate putting as much sweetness between you and the cold, bitter world as you can. When it's time to eat your way out of your sugary chrysalis, you'll know?the brand-new wings on your back will be aching to fly.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Finally, you've stopped marking your territory so diligently. Lately, it's been easier for you to move on and stop pissing on every hydrant or table leg in sight. Butting heads with the local bull? Hop the fence and move on to the next pasture. I'm pleased that you're learning to go with the flow and not clinging to just one idea of the way things should be. But don't take this to extremes. There are times when conveniently skipping town works well; other times, it's better to stand and hold your ground. Making the distinction could make all the difference this week.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Although you may get your chance to "sleep your way to the top" (or at least the next rung up) this week, I caution you to consider carefully all the ramifications before you take it. Resist the temptation?because obviously you're not in it just for the advancement possibilities. That's just a convenient side benefit. Or is it? You may find that the added twist makes the whole thing too complicated for your taste. Why bother with it? Especially when the most pleasingly simple friendship (and possibly more) lies just around the corner.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Oh, those hands. Those hands with their nimble, flexible fingers, their deft touch, their naughty habits, their exploratory adventures. Gemini rules the hands, and therefore millions of Twins use them to find or attract all sorts of mischief. However, it's your agile tongue that's your chief trouble-finder and -shooter this week. Forget your agile digits; they're good only for putting your money where your mouth tells you. Just make sure while you're talking the big talk that you've got enough moolah or chutzpah to actually cash the check your mouth is writing.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

If you were robbing houses, your latest faux pas would be something akin to getting inescapably, embarrassingly stuck in the doggie door, and being forced to wait until the residents of your intended heist target returned and cut you free. There's no reasonable explanation you can offer for such a karmically incorrect act, so don't waste those hours while you're trapped, half-in and half-out, trying to concoct a believable excuse. Instead, be the Pooh Bear who plans on how to get his honey legitimately next time, instead of sneaking it. You'll probably find there's plenty of the sweet stuff you crave. If all else fails, just ask for it.