Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) My dog sidles up to a bush amiably, as if they're old friends just moving closer to have an intimate chat. The unsuspecting foliage quivers with anticipation while he probes its secrets with his wet nose. I imagine the plant feeling special at this point: Chosen. Suddenly Eli lifts a leg and douses the shrub with a stream of urine and moves on. This scenario may sound familiar?you imagined So-and-so was your friend, until you realized that to them you were simply another conveniently decorative bit of landscaping, suitable to piss all over. The bush may not have defenses against such presumption, but you do, even if you haven't been using them lately. Swing those thorny arms, or even better, that sharp tongue you're infamous for.
Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Permanent makeup trips me out. You get the concept: having eyeliner, blush, eyeshadow, etc., tattooed on your tender face. I have no problem with the immutability; I have tattoos (albeit less tacky ones, I hope) of my own. It's more the implied laziness. Most tattoos make statements, they reflect convictions about truth, love, art. The message I get from permanently applied eyeliner is: I'm too lazy to bother to do my makeup every morning and I believe I will never change my "look" for the rest of my life. I only mention this because, similarly, the shortcut you've been considering isn't worth the peripheral cost, and may cause you to blush (with embarrassment or shame) for the rest of your life.
Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) Are you worthy of seduction, Scorpio? Someone would love to woo you with hidden poetry and zany midnight serenades and wild surprises. But are you ready for that much fun? Are you prepared to rise to the occasion and help create an enormous love? Or will you cheapen it all by accepting the gifts and ultimately deciding you're not good enough to deserve something so good? You are worthy; if only you'll believe it. Take this chance to be (and love) the person you really are; sweetness like what awaits you is so rare you may have to wait years or lifetimes until it comes around again.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) You're like an old armchair that desperately needs reupholstering. For being the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house, you're a pain in the ass?you don't match the decor, and your exterior is ripped and dirty, even if your plush interior still knows how to cradle a butt. It must feel good to be the recipient of this much loyalty, despite your obvious flaws. But imagine an upgrade from grim devotion to exuberant adoration. All it would take is a superficial change or two. If I were you, I'd start stripping, and shopping for a new mental wardrobe.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Thank you. They say that the best way to learn something?to truly absorb it into the meatiest marrow of your bones?is to teach it. So thanks. In my efforts to encourage you to love more deeply and often, I've learned to do these things better. When I've adoringly spanked you to keep you awake in your life, to be present, I've kicked my own ass to be right there with you. My reminders to you to be heart-open and spontaneous are really strings tied around my own fingers to remember the same things. By believing in your power to control your own destiny, I have to believe in my own. Along with my gratitude, take my advice: whatever you're struggling to learn?teach it to someone else.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Lurking in even the most idyllic sanctuaries?your garden, for instance?are creatures that you might think are ugly, sinister or even dangerous, like dung beetles, vicious wasps or rattlesnakes. Having an awareness of this can make even your landscaped backyard an exciting place. On the outside it might seem perfectly safe and controlled, but there are little secrets that hold the shadow that makes any engaging place interesting. The energy of the full moon in Aquarius (impacting you fully next Tuesday or so) is similar. Don't be fooled by its simple (boring) surface. Search for the dark pockets that should make this week more fascinating than you ever anticipated.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) I enjoy (to the endless ridicule of my friends) the television show Ally McBeal. I admit the show is obnoxious, populated by characters who're all conniving, uptight, cuntish lawyers. I especially despise the title character, whose prudish bitchiness is over the top. But I must respect the archetype she's mutating. She hallucinates, dreams, has visions; in fact, she lives her life by these imaginative waking fantasies. And she's a successful lawyer. Pisces, save us from Ally. Since you're the real expert, will you show someone the way they can fantasize and flourish, just like you?
Aries (March 21-April 19) I'm in awe of saplings that spring up between cracks in the sidewalk or the stubborn refusal of blackberry vines to give up their territory. Their incredible determination has to be respected, just as yours does, especially once you succeed at pushing through the forces that struggle to pave you over completely. This week, your battle should get a little easier. The psychic equivalent of an earthquake should free you from some of your limitations as thousands of new cracks?and thereby places to grow?finally appear.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) My dog is a Zen master. Most dogs have good practices; they know how to be present, how to breathe, how to love. But Eli is a genius of fetching. While engaged in his favorite activity?the retrieval of a tennis ball?he exudes an aura of presence and joy that is irrefutable, similar to that of human spiritual masters I've encountered. He's exhilarated as he bounds across a grassy field, sunlight rippling across his sleek black fur as he races and jumps in focused bliss. The perfect sphere arcing overhead, luminescent yellow against the blue sky, that sprays fragrant saliva in all directions, the satisfying thuck as the soggy ball hits his mouth. It's not a neurosis; he displays too much dignity, joy and grace for that. A habit of yours is primed to become more than that?perhaps even a tiny window into nirvana. Fly through.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) Overstimulated much? Even your agile mind can exhibit symptoms of Attention Deficit Disorder when presented with this much action at once. It's a little too much to absorb, but, really: ADD was last season's "in" problem. Now it's Social Anxiety Disorder that's hot, or perhaps there's something new I haven't heard of yet. In any case, before your psychoses are labeled passe, get a grip. Relax. This is like a video-game bonus round. Gold coins or manna is falling from heaven. If you miss a few, don't sweat it. Just run around madly, arms wide open, and catch everything (and everyone) you can.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) Someone asked me how to best "seduce" a Crab. I assume the best way to draw your tender flesh out of your hard shell is to make you feel safe. But, how? Please, tell me. I promise to wield the information to your greatest benefit. I'm only trying to give you what you want. You tell me, I'll tell the world, and we'll all conspire to make you feel as if the entire planet exists to give you sanctuary.
[Caeriel@yahoo. com](mailto:caeriel@yahoo.com)