This Week's Horoscope

My high school chemistry teacher was fond of telling us, "There's no such thing as a free lunch." He was referring to the basic concept that matter and energy can't be created or destroyed, but in your case, it has practical relevance. This week's lesson: everything has a price. Luckily, your ability to detect unseen strings and deduce hidden agendas will vastly increase after Saturday, when Mercury whooshes into your sign. The gifts you're receiving may well be worth what they cost you, but it's best if you know ahead of time exactly what that is. Therefore, hold off on accepting presents or favors until you find out exactly what their cryptic price tags require of you.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

A momentary lapse in judgment?or worse, diligence?could result in disasters that would be hilarious if their consequences weren't so serious. These are on the scale of putting a talking monkey in charge of a major world power?you want to laugh at his zany antics and uproarious gaffes, but you're too horror-stricken. Mustering action in the wake of a shock like that is difficult but necessary, since these things can snowball. Therefore concentrate on preventing sitcom-quality disasters from occurring in real life, where they're no longer funny, and if the unthinkable has already occurred, get on damage control, fast.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

One of the reasons you're able to juggle many diverse activities and handle them all expertly is your ability to focus on each one so intensely that it's reduced to the simplicity of an old-school videogame, like Pong. Yet you never lose sight of the big picture, and the ways each individual piece fit into the larger puzzle that is your life. As with every strength, however, this one is occasionally a weakness. For example, this week, you may encounter the kind of task whose complexity is irreducible, and whose relevance to your other goals and desires is ambiguous. You can return to superhuman multitasking next week, but for now accept your demotion to mystified human being (like the rest of us), and give yourself permission to bumble.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Many rich people don't know how to spend their wealth. They end up squandering vast sums on ridiculous things that bring nobody pleasure, succor or rich experience, not even themselves. Ironically, most poor people know exactly what they'd do with a cool million, if they could get their hands on it. Perhaps this concept is in the same league with the aphorism, "Youth is wasted on the young." Do you feel lucky? You should. Unlike so many, you know precisely how to use exactly what you've got, whether it's beauty, cash or a fast car. This week, enjoy your wealth, without worrying about acquiring more; you're already richer than almost everyone else.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Perversely, the nature of your skepticism runs thus: the more you want to believe something, the less likely you are to actually take it on faith. Because you're aware that your own needs or desires might cloud your judgment, you resist indulging them. I admire this tendency?despite the fact that it probably makes your life much more complicated and difficult than if you could just be blindly loyal to some appealing, unproven concept. However, don't take this attitude to an unhealthy extreme; everything you most want to believe is not automatically wrong. This week, consider the possibility that some of the things you desperately want to be true actually are, and give them all the benefit of the doubt.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Although Pisceans are just as moody and sensitive as Cancers, they're rarely condemned or scorned the same way. People tolerate?and even adore?your sweet vulnerability, and get annoyed at similar mood swings in your Crabby cousins. I believe this stems almost wholly from your profound ability to truly let things go?something those pincer-wielders are notoriously bad at. Although you sometimes envy them their dogged perseverance, and would occasionally do well to emulate it, this is not one of those weeks. Don't screw up your good rep by clinging to the source of your shifting tempers?be it person, experience or habit. Instead, demonstrate your famous ability: let it go.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Although you often wish you could scorch the pavement with your loud, black, beast of a motorcycle, skidding to a stop in your badass leather and a cool so cold it chaps lips, you can only occasionally be that amazing. Most of the time, you're too real and human for that?your dorkiness, foolhardiness or vulnerability shows through. That's not a bad thing, though. If you were icily hip at all times, you'd be a lonely person. For now, revel in being human, and save extraordinary tasks for next week, when the full moon rolls fatly into your sign, and you'll be able to handle them with ease.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

When I contemplate advising you this week, I'm reminded of a line from an old Ani DiFranco song, which goes: "I don't wear anything I can't wipe my hands on." You're supposed to be earthy, so the stereotype goes, which is why you've surprised me with your recent emphasis on some really out-there shit that has nothing to do with your actual life. Welcome yourself back to the real world this week, Taurus. It's very simple to get back here, and it's a path you're familiar with: just don't do anything unless it plain makes sense.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Medieval tales, both historical and mythical, are rife with evil advisers holding sway over weak kings. Similarly, there are many examples of soldiers performing acts of horrible darkness with the excuse of "just following orders." I don't believe in that shit. Kings and soldiers and regular Joes are responsible for their acts, even those they appear to be ordered, blackmailed or otherwise forced into. There's always another choice, even if it's not an easy one. I know you agree with me, so don't for a second actually consider doing anything contrary to your moral code, no matter how it's demanded of you. Make the choice that I know you're capable of: the right one.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Although I've occasionally been known to badmouth Cancers (usually after an especially hard (and often unintentional) pinch), if only by repeating?and therefore reinforcing?less-than-flattering stereotypes, I don't want you to think that I don't adore you. I usually only mention your supposed shortcomings to point out their source?the hardships you suffer by experiencing emotional depths and heights that would ruin lesser men and women. Wield your famous Niagara-strength fount of compassion, fortify your ego with self-knowledge and recognize your criticizers for what they often are: those who love you best.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

You're like a lion that's stumbled upon a three-way tug-of-war over a leopard's kill. Crocodile, hyena and spotted cat are facing off over the dead gazelle. You're hungry, but consider your choices before you indulge your appetite: you could leave the three to their morbid showdown, and concentrate on catching and keeping your own prize; you could grab a limb and pull, probably getting roughly one quarter of the bounty; or you could wield your infamous roar to scare off one or more of the other predators, resulting in more for you. I can't pretend to know which choice is best for you, but I can tell you what's worse than any of the three options I just mentioned: not choosing.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

I wish I could say it's going to be an easy week. You deserve it, after enduring Mercury's latest retrograde stint. However, as much as I'd like to, it's not my job to lie to make you happy. Similarly, it's not your job to shield everyone else from the difficulties you're unfortunately doomed to encounter. One of the advantages of being interdependent with other people?as you currently are?is that they can as easily help you shoulder burdens as delegate them to you. Since those relationships have been almost entirely one-way lately (delivering responsibilities into your grasp), be willing to reverse the flow when the world gives you more shit than you feel like dealing with.

[Caeriel@yahoo.com](mailto:caeriel@yahoo.com)