Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) I really get into the drama of the Olympics. Years of training culminate in a moment or two of intense action. Athletes' dreams soar, or they crash and burn, with whole nations vicariously experiencing echoes of the same thing. It's crazy to pin all your hopes on one isolated event, even though there's some major payback if it works out for you. In a way, I'd guess you can identify with these champs?your ever-escalating drive to achieve makes so many moments the natural culmination of years of work. Just because you experienced one or two admittedly traumatic setbacks this past year shouldn't daunt you. Unlike those world-class jocks, you won't have to wait four years for your second chance.
Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21) In one of my favorite shows, Strangers with Candy, the main character finds fame as a briefly celebrated advice columnist. To her dismay, she discovers that when people actually heed her terrible advice, they're devastated, and pissed. You'd be well advised to consider her lesson. I'm not concerned about you taking bad advice?you're open-minded enough to consider outside help, but too self-directed to let it steer you off course. I'm more concerned with the counsel you give: while it's never bad advice, it might be a little too advanced for the recipients. Not everyone is as wise and evolved as you. If you really want your guidance to be taken seriously, keep it simple?and use small words.
Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) As much as you'd like to cross your arms and put your feet up while the other person pedals the tandem bike, you can't really do that. It's frustrating to have to sit here, in the back, and let someone else steer. But you've still got to work those buns and pump those feet. So the person in front will be the first across the finish line. Fine. Let them steal all the glory. What do you care? The prize money still gets split 50-50.
Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) One of my best friends asked me to help usher her into the world of hipness. Style and glamour are indecipherable words from a foreign language to her. Yet, what do I know about fierce clothes for women? Nothing. "I bike, and I bake?so it's gotta be practical," she tells me. Oh boy?I'm picturing a chef's hat and spandex bike shorts. We're headed into the realm of the ludicrously unhip here. I'll worry about her, though. You take care of yourself. The lesson I hope to share: Don't harvest too much self-definition in your workplace. If you limit yourself to some idea about people in your profession, you're not only setting yourself up to look like a total geek, you'll really be one, too.
Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) The most common misconception about me (from people I've never met, naturally) is about my gender. Some folks can't decide if I'm a dick or a chick. Others can decide, but they make assumptions based on the most ludicrous theories. I don't mind. Being hard to pin down makes me more slippery and free, more like you fish. That's the key to this week: people may be wrong about you, even more often than usual. But is it really in your best interest to correct them? Or would letting their mostly harmless delusions persist actually result in more mobility and effectiveness on your part? Think about it before you set someone straight.
Aries (March 21-April 19) Your delicate virtue (hah!) is threatened?at last! For once you can stop dishing it out all the time; it's your chance to turn around, bend over and take it. And you know what? It'll be a pleasure. I promise. You don't think the half of the population that gets fucked lets it happen just to please those who do the fucking, do you? No, most fuckees do it because they like it. And you will, too. And if the person you're bending over for lacks certain...necessities? Well, buy them a strap-on already.
Taurus (April 20-May 20) You raunchy thing. That's no insult: I love getting down and dirty. The grit and spit and piss of real life is where it's at. It gives substance to the glamorous illusions we surround ourselves with otherwise. I like sparkle and loveliness as much as the next guy, but when it comes right down to it I won't be satisfied until things get sweaty and messy. Lucky for you, things are inevitably going to get pretty sticky this week. That's right?you're finally going to be able to make your mud pies and eat them, too.
Gemini (May 21-June 20) My grandparents' dog, Lady, was terrified of the veterinarian's office. As soon as it dawned on her that we might be headed there (often before we even left the house), she'd resist with all her might. Splayed toenails would catch in carpet as she strained to stay put. Car windows had to be rolled almost all the way up, to prevent frantic, last-minute escape attempts. The pitiful, tortured shaking was the worst, though. Lady couldn't realize that not only was the vet visit for her own good, her desperate resistance only made her experience worse. Same with you?don't dig in your dewclaws so much. Instead, run headlong into your less-than-pleasant obligation. It'll be over that much quicker, I promise, and we'll do the same thing we did for Lady to help her cope with her fear: take you out for ice cream afterward.
Cancer (June 21-July 22) You sexy fox. You've been so appealing that you've been a little wary about opening the door to new romantic connections; the last couple of times you did, someone scared you with raving claims of soulmate-hood and marriage plans. Lucky you?with the new moon in Libra this week (the sign of partnership and balance), you'll have a better than even chance of opening the door and finding someone who's willing to meet you halfway?and (to your relief) not a step further.
Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) That uneasy alliance you forged a few months ago with your grandmother-in-law (or someone equally unlikely) is about to get a little easier. See, Grandmama is not only blessed with exactly the wisdom you need, her attic is full of stuff you could use in your new place. And that's not all! Now that you've earned her trust, good ol' Grandmammy might introduce you to some of the connections she's made in all her years on this godforsaken orb (as she puts it). What a deal! Put your trust in your unlikely new friend, and open the doors to greater connection. So what if it means you have to play bridge once in a while with a bunch of old farts. Think of the inheritance.
Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) You're about as goofy as a slapstick comedy. Combining clutziness with an eerie grace is your forte right now. Consider this sequence: You stub your toe. Arms windmilling, wildly off balance, you execute an uncannily daring leap across the room. You brush by a lamp, sending it plunging toward the floor. An artfully placed heel taps it neatly back into place as you tumble forward, face plunging toward the hardwood?until you execute a back handspring that amazes everyone. This goes on, of course. But you get the point: You may screw up this week, but hidden inside each accident is an opportunity to shine. If you can't end the cycle on one of those incredible recoveries, at least find something soft to land on.
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