This Week's Horoscope

Naked protestors, hundreds of them, populated downtown Santiago a week and a half ago as a petition for peace. Please imitate those uninhibited Chileans. Your goals are best met by strategies that are as fun, sexy and startling as their nude lobbying. Show some skin, get wild?and then once you have everyone's attention, ask for what you want. It's as simple as clearly articulating your desires to an attentive audience (and universe). And hey, look at it this way?even if you don't get exactly what you were looking for, you: a) probably had a good time; b) gave everyone a thrill; c) generated yet another great story to tell your grandkids someday.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

Hang-glider strapped to his back, Mercury's poised on a wobbly Piscean precipice, preparing to careen wildly into your sign with euphoric oddball grace. Once his smoothtalking energy is hitched to that of your rowdy ruling planet, Mars (currently occupying the territory of those steadfast Capricorns), you'll be fully charged with both drive and jive. The last time you had anything approaching this dynamic duo simultaneously silvercoating and supercharging your actions, you earned a promotion, the unshakeable loyalty of a friend, the begrudging respect of a longtime critic, or all three. What will you do this time?

Taurus (April 20-May 20)

Humor mitigates tragedy. That's the lesson of the week?although you hopefully won't suffer any major calamities, you will have ample opportunity to practice effective combinations of silliness and seriousness. Pay attention; this could be one of your principal social talents if you choose to develop it. Only Bulls consistently possess the right amalgamation of wit and wisdom to do this properly, as well as the awareness that to lead a happy life you must develop the ability to laugh in the face of despair. Since you can help so many desperate people do that, you'd be wicked not to.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

You're more wiseass than wise, usually, but you're still too smart to openly defy the overzealous authority figures currently encroaching on your personal space. However, you're cunning enough to know that there are ways to fuck someone over, even when you can't shake your fist in his face or kick some ass. Nevertheless, resist those tiny opportunities for vengeance and rebellion. They may feel good in the short term, but they're hardly longterm solutions. You'll only glimpse your next opportunity for a much more profound, lasting and positive form of reckoning if your eyes aren't riveted to petty concerns. Don't worry. They'll get theirs, and you'll get yours. Just be patient.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Watch The Fly?it's a perfect example of how a tiny inconsistency, imperfection or error can blow up into a huge catastrophe this week. Disaster is wholly avoidable?but will require extra effort, care and attention. On the flipside, while you're diligently sitting on every molehill to keep it from swelling into a mountain, you can take advantage of the magnifying tendency of this week's cosmic influences?because it works positively as well as negatively. That means every miniscule good deed you do brings you one giant step closer to sainthood, and every diminutive act of creativity (even something as silly as a doodle on a sticky-note) could balloon into a phenomenal opus, almost without any effort from you.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

Leos, despite their imperiousness and inflated sense of entitlement, are rarely hubristic. You can usually remember how silly you are, even while dishing out orders (for everyone's good, of course). But this week you are in danger of subtly crossing a line that you'd probably prefer to stay on this side of. Remind yourself, any way you can, that while you're the sovereign ruler of your own little kingdom, you're hardly a god. Harping on your imperfections is never a good idea, but remembering them might be in order this week. So don your crown, but before you do, inscribe it with this gentle self-admonishment: "Needs improvement."

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Torture, for a Virgo, is throwing out your back. Suddenly, you can't do anything for yourself; you're required to depend on everyone around you while you lay as flat and still as possible?and nothing gets done quite how you like it. Yes, it's about time you realized: You're high maintenance. But take consolation in the fact that under normal circumstances you're quite good at maintaining yourself. Since you have some slack-time this week?and a fully functioning back?set things up so that next time you're laid out, you're not too put out.

Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

A nudge won't do. Even a swift kick in the ass might not be enough. So I'm going to do my full-on best to shove you toward decisiveness. For two months, you've been contemplating an admittedly tremendous leap of faith. But we're sick of watching you sway on the edge of that abyss. Jump already, or go back to the couch and watch some more tv. It's time to finally shit or get off the pot. Make your decision this week, please. It'll feel so good to finally commit that living with your choice will be no sweat, I swear.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

You sadistic sweetheart. Everyone knows what the sadist within you is like at his/her worst. But at subtle, slightly restrained and conscious best, you're wonderful to be around, because you challenge and push boundaries. People tend to rise to those challenges, and end up far less limited than they were before your crafty, delicate torture began. Only an idiot would suggest you try to eliminate your tenderly brutal impulses, because it's both impossible and ridiculously unnecessary. However, curbing them is in order. It's the same lesson you've had to learn again and again: Healer and destroyer are simply two sides of your coin. It's your call which way it lands.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Everyone has moments of horrified realization: "I've become my mother!" "I have too many cats; I'm turning into the neighborhood crazy lady!" "I'm 30 and I've never had a serious relationship." Sagittarians generally lead an enviably carefree existence. You let most shit roll off your back. The problem with that attitude is that when the scary stuff strikes, it really nails you. Not that you should start worrying about everything, like those chronically concerned Cancers. But when you have a moment or three, like you will this week, start asking yourself those hard questions so you won't be floored by the answers when they finally hit.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Spring Break is here early this year, for you Goats. Time to get silly, adventurous and?if at all possible?downright wild. Capricorns, as a rule, tend to be overly serious, especially when it comes to relationships. Have a fling. Better yet?have three, four or more. Have your cake, eat it too, then go back for cookies and ice cream. This is the best week in months to indulge your deepest, most repressed Dionysian urges. You can go back to your monkish good behavior next week, but please, take a long weekend to let loose. Engage in activity worthy of any Girls Gone Wild video. You never know when (and if) you'll get your next chance.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Imaginative bedroom frolics might be in order this week, but just because Venus and Neptune are having kinky sex in your sign doesn't mean that's all that frisky creative energy is good for. You've sometimes got very rigid ideas about Things You Do and Things You Don't, but you shouldn't fear to cross those lines every once in a while. Enjoying tying up your boyfriend once in a while doesn't make you a full-fledged bondage fetishist (not that there'd be anything wrong with that, either). The same goes for nonsexual activities that lie outside your "normal" boundaries. Since numerous treasures lie outside your routine realm of experience, an adventurous spirit is just what the doctor and those boinking planets ordered.

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