This Week's Horoscope

| 16 Feb 2015 | 04:11

    Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19) Put on your magic pants, Cap. Don't have any? I'm surprised?I thought every Goat had a pair of special slacks, imbued with charmed properties. They're the ones that helped you get that job, or that raise, or maybe just the ones that get you laid more often than not. Maybe it's those painted-on hiphuggers you adore, that glittery, practically see-through number, those sexy chaps, or the blue jeans you've had since high school. Although you're always comfortably stylish, you sometimes don't pay much attention to your appearance (unlike, say, a Leo, or Libra), which influences how you're received, accepted, or revered. This week, especially, cash in on the charms of those pants you look so damn good in. Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18) Many Aquarians lack common sense. Don't look so offended. How do you suppose Aquarians earned their reputation as eccentric geniuses? I know you regard yourself as eminently practical ("I don't believe in astrology"), but you've often had to learn down-to-earth lessons the hard way. Remember? In elementary school, you stapled and/or superglued your fingers. It took you more than one fender bender to learn to just hang up and drive. And your finances! So don't talk to me about practical. You don't need to. My point is: ignore the mundane, the boring, this week?concentrate on your specialties?the visionary and the sublime. Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20) The last time you felt this wild, all your sex toys (and partners) had to take vacations to recover afterwards. I imagine you rubbing your eager palms together. "Oh, good?I'm finally going to get some/enough!" Unfortunately, there're no astrological guarantees that you'll find an equally enthusiastic partner. But one thing is certain: exploring your sexuality now will yield up not only some mind-blowing orgasms, but also possibly the most imaginative, inspired lovemaking (by yourself or with others) that you've experienced to date. Aries (March 21-April 19) If your life were an actual road trip, (instead of a metaphorical one) you might feel as if you were headed for a town called Truth or Consequences, or Welfare, or Uncertain. But your feeling would be wrong. While you're not headed for a place as wonderful as Wonderful, Heaven, or Utopia, I do have a feeling that the stretch of highway you're navigating leads to someplace that's good for you, maybe Comfort, or Medicine Mound, or New Hope. Taurus (April 20-May 20) The barrier you're bumping up against is more like a beer belly than a brick wall. For one nanosecond after encountering it, you feel like you're actually getting somewhere. Then you experience the rebound. Not what you expected, is it, bouncing back on the backlash of your own momentum? I have a few words of comfort or advice, though. This beer belly is about as soft and pliant as most, thus subject to tickling, bribery (with beer, even) and kicking, if necessary. Gemini (May 21-June 20) If you stick unripe bananas in a paper bag with a sweet, brown-speckled one, the green bunch will turn yellow and ready-to-eat more quickly. I don't know why it works, but there's a delicious parallel to this process that applies specifically to you. Maturation by association?it's been so evident in you that I have to applaud your choice in the company you've kept lately. While I know you're blessed with eternal youthfulness, that shouldn't keep you from developing the most powerful traits of age: foresight, sensitivity, and wisdom, all gleaned from the mistakes and successes of your (and your friends') past experiences. Cancer (June 21-July 22) Hopefully, as you read this, I'll be spending my first days in India. It's amazing to think that only a small minority of people in the world want and can afford to travel to the other side of the planet. And that minority of travelers dwindles exponentially as you look back into previous decades, centuries. On one level, that's probably good?places inundated with tourists lose the character that drew us in the first place. Your heart is like that. You'd love for it to be open to everyone, to the masses. That's fine. But couldn't you reserve a few special places, keep them inaccessible to your average tourist? That way there's still a draw for the high-quality travelers you long for. Leo (July 23-Aug. 22) I'm a terrible backseat driver. I drive all but the most tolerant road trip partners nuts, especially in my car. Perhaps it's that self-perceived ability to see "what's best" for people that led me to the horoscope-writing field. I like it, creating gentle hints and blunt admonishments; encouraging you to live life fully. That's why weeks like this one frustrate me. You could nap all week on autopilot without encountering any major snags. But you could also use the mental slacktime to take care of shit you've put off for months, or plot new ways to expand your kingdom. Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22) Your week looms in the distance like a first glimpse of Las Vegas on the horizon, a sea of shimmering lights, glittering with promise, as delicate and magical as a faery kingdom. Once inside it, though, you might be disappointed by its raunchy seediness, disturbed to see bedraggled prostitutes wrenching themselves through rent-by-the-hour motel room doors, Elvis-officiated wedding huts, and monstrous casinos, edifices of greed haunted by seething masses of automoton gamblers. You can hope there's some good in all this glitzy superficiality. You could become a millionaire, or that bimbo you married in the Graceland chapel could be a love of your life. Don't find these eventualities likely? The deeper consolation is that all this shallow crap will provide a contrast, highlighting what's authentic in your life, thereby helping you to appreciate it better. Libra (Sept. 23-Oct. 22) Life can throw some awful shit at us. Serious and hard-to-deal-with shit. But it doesn't comprise the bulk of the troubles we concern ourselves with 99 percent of the time. Whenever I get too absorbed in my life's dramas, it helps to think of the infinite universe that lives outside my petty little difficulty, the billions who've nothing to do with it. This isn't just a simple case of contemplating the plights of those who're worse off than me so I can feel better about myself. Rather, I try to mentally expand my horizons until my little drama reveals its minute proportions in the vastness of life. Once you've successfully shifted your perspective, the unfunny sitcom you previously found engaging might pale in comparison with really living your life, no? Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21) It's so much easier predicting turbulence for people, and making suggestions regarding how to avoid, prevent or deal with it, than it is to write about a week as smooth as yours. People are used to expecting trouble. They're more comfortable believing that something will go wrong than to have faith that it will go right. It's a natural mechanism to avoid disappointment, but it's also a great way to manifest your own obstacles. Practice optimism. Your boat will not rock. I predict pleasant, clear sailing ahead. No, really?stop imagining that thunderhead over the horizon. You'll just make yourself seasick, believe me.