This Week's Horoscopes

Mars is primed for exploration. Most experts agree that we're probably no more than 10-15 years from putting humans on the surface of your red ruling planet, despite its forbidding conditions, which include frigid temperatures, thin atmosphere and devastating hemispheric dust storms that last for months. Similarly, your most inhospitable spiritual terrain is now accessible and survivable?if not this week, then soon. New mental technology is opening up your harshest internal landscapes. The potential for expanding your self-awareness is too great; don't pass on this admittedly scary opportunity. Don your psychic spacesuit, and go exploring. I guarantee the beauty you'll discover will ultimately outweigh the fear you experience en route.

TAURUS (April 20-May 20)

Life is your open bar. I'm amazed at the variety and quantity of free, intoxicating influences available to you this week. That's good; you deserve some pixilated playtime after the stresses you've had to endure lately. So enjoy it; but don't go overboard. This is just a tiny taste of the many fabulous experiences that lie ahead for you all through the summer. I'd hate for you to embarrass yourself so badly that you're never invited to another party again. Since there'll be plenty more where this came from, you don't want to miss out for a second.

GEMINI (May 21-June 20)

Suicide isn't your style, but I hope you'll understand where I'm coming from, anyway. A few weeks ago, a man jumped off Goat Island, apparently intending to kill himself with a plunge down Niagara Falls. He changed his mind mid-attempt, and was luckily able to get a foothold in the rocks about 25 feet from the shore and stand in the frigid water for nearly two hours, until a helicopter crew could pull him out. I mention this because it's remarkably similar to how astonishingly close you came to making a devastating decision you surely would've regretted later (had you been given the chance). Now that you're clinging to that boulder inches from the precipice of your mistake, don't despair. A rescue chopper is on its way.

CANCER (June 21-July 22)

You've spent so long currying favor, you really don't know what to do once you've gotten it. It's almost scarier being on everyone's good side than when everybody was pissed off at you. At least then you had little to lose?psychic osmosis dictated your movement would probably be upward. Now you're constantly worried about screwing up all the good things you've got going. Let me ease your mind. You will screw them up. We all do, eventually. So quit agonizing, and enjoy the sweetness while it lasts, would ya?

LEO (July 23-Aug. 22)

The race you didn't know you were running is finally over. Take a minute, catch your breath, experience the relief of getting the marathon behind you and push through your disappointment that the excitement?which had sort of snuck up on you?has ended, at least for now. You paced yourself well for this challenge, but your sprint could use some work. The next time you enter marathon mode (which you'll thankfully know about in advance) you'll have to do a lot better. It's good to take time to relax during these downtimes, but it's good to train, too, because the next time I don't want you to just perform well?I want you to win.

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Being blamed for shit you didn't do always sucks. Unfortunately, you're likely to suffer this and a host of your other pet peeves next week and in the weeks to come, as your ruling planet, Mercury, goes retrograde. Besides biting your tongue and keeping your blood pressure down, avoiding the martyr trap will unfortunately be your chief challenge, so strike the phrase "Why me?" from your vocabulary. There's not much you can do about the hard-to-anticipate bullshit coming your way, so try not to worry too much about it. Instead, enjoy this week?which should be delightfully pet-peeve-free?while you can.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Extremes aren't your forte. This is no surprise; your symbol is the scale and you're well-known for your need and ability to provide and restore harmony to most situations. However, this week you're likely to explore the wild outer frontiers usually populated by Scorpios or Aries, and hold your own in those places to boot. Your ability to bring balance to any experience, usually by asserting your own malleable self, allows for a wider spectrum of experience than most people think. Since at least one potential circumstance this week requires that you embody one of the most radical versions of yourself just to maintain the social equilibrium, don't hesitate to go there.

SCORPIO (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Betty Jordt's dog Taffy returned suddenly after seven months of absence, just in time for her birthday. He'd disappeared, and after placing ads in local papers and searching for him for months, she'd pretty much given up. That is, until he suddenly appeared on her porch. Similarly, a piece of yourself that you'd long ago reluctantly let go of may reappear without warning this week, reminding you of the supposed truth of that well-worn chestnut, "If you love something, set it free." Don't buy that bullshit, though; while sometimes that's all that you can do, I don't recommend it this week. If you're lucky enough to have something or someone you love reenter your life, grab onto them and try to never let them go.

SAGITTARIUS (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

A colossal squid, weighing 330 pounds, was pulled in off the coast of Antarctica recently. Only the second complete specimen of its species to be found, ever, it again illustrates how much about our own planet we don't know. The ocean remains largely unexplored, and there's every probability that as-yet-unimagined species lurk at depths that remain beyond our reach. Still, it's nice to get occasional clues that we don't have it all figured out, like you will this week. The squid that washes up on your shore should remind you that although you're certainly more self-aware than your average Joe, there are whole oceans out there that you haven't even touched, let alone plumbed the depths of.

CAPRICORN (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Your occasionally elitist tendencies may be severely shaken up when you're bounced by the bouncer this week. Don't play the sour grapes game and decide that you were kept out of someplace not really worth going to anyway. You can get in, but it may involve changing something about your attitude or self-imposed limitations. No, that does not always equal selling out?and especially not this week. Those changes are necessary, and it's about time you had a reason to manifest them. So bare your boobs, kick some ass or do whatever else it takes to go where you want to go, and whatever you do, don't get turned away twice.

AQUARIUS (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

"Scotch on the rocks!" may become your mantra this week, if you're not careful. Beware alcoholism; although Aquarians aren't naturally predisposed to the affliction, you're more in danger of it this week than usual. The pressure to self-medicate will be higher than it has been in a long time. Go ahead and pour yourself a drink first thing when you get home, if you really have to?but stop there. Find other ways to limit your stress, so you won't be so tempted to cope with it by getting wasted. Naps, hot tea and bubble baths are the cliche recipe for stress-reduction. Personally, I recommend lots and lots of sex.

PISCES (Feb. 19-March 20)

Glam rock, or something like it, is your calling. Think about it: Back when glam rock was new, these guys were playing with sexual stereotypes and donning makeup, hairspray and cross-gender clothing to be both rebellious and entertaining. Pisceans excel at blending seemingly incongruous worlds?so much so that if you're not busy juxtaposing extremes, you may feel a bit trapped and underappreciated. This is one of your prime talents, so use it: mix your deepest urge for revolution with your most gorgeous illusions this week; make yourself something the world has never seen, thereby making the world into something you've never seen.

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