This Week's Horoscopes

Leave your birthday candles lit. Don't blow them out, and don't make a birthday wish. Sure, it would come true, but in the worst possible way, like a wish made on a monkey's paw. Save yourself from the ill-fated miscarriage of your heartfelt desire. Save all those well-earned yearnings until next week when the new moon in your sign is more likely to manifest your dream without tragedy. So if you happen to have a party this week and there's a cake, when it comes your way respectfully decline the candle-blowing ritual. Make up something cheesy people can get behind, like "I already got my wish?you're all here" or, "My asthma's acting up. You do it." Whatever you do, pass on the monkey paw wishes. They're just not worth the trouble.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)

Your scapegoating talents are at their peak, which is fortunate, because you're going to need them to avoid getting nailed for a variety of mistakes that, in others' minds, could conceivably be your fault (although only some of them actually are). So it's good that you have this talent for discreetly misdirecting reproachful attention. Use it if you wish; you're almost certain to get away with it without a hitch. But you do have another option, one that's bound to earn you some good karma: Take the fall whether or not you deserve it. The guilty parties (and the universe) will know you did. I guarantee you'll be paid back and then some.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)

Normally, I'd suggest making preparations for your next big purchase; the upcoming Taurus new moon is the best new moon during which to buy a house or a car. But with Mercury in retrograde (also in that acquisitive sign), even planning on spending a ton of money on something like that would surely go wrong. So forget all that; put off anything similarly huge or life-changing for now. Instead, concentrate on having fun. It's an excellent time for decadent orgiastic partying. During the next two weeks, the only things you should acquire are a few pounds and maybe a new friend or two.

Leo (July 23-Aug. 22)

For Leos, pretending you're good at something is often enough to make you actually good at it because you attack the experience with such outrageous enthusiasm. This is how mediocre singers like Madonna can become the huge successes they are?they present themselves as if they're geniuses deserving of the world's adulation. Your talent for convincing people you're something you're not (at least not yet) is at a peak this week. But at least one of your hot-air-powered ventures is bound to crash and burn like the Hindenburg. Still, as embarrassing as your one setback might be, the successes of the others will enable you to leave it behind almost as soon as it happens.

Virgo (Aug. 23-Sept. 22)

Lurk. Since all your power spots are hiding places this week, skulking is currently your most valuable skill. Loiter under bleachers, squat on restroom toilets or prowl the dark corners of a crowded bar. You're almost certain to become privy to information you're dying to know, either about yourself or concerning something you're involved in (or someone you're involved with). Screw ethics for once. Wouldn't you rather know ahead of time if you're going to be laid off or dumped? I think you would: That way you can do something about it, like prevent it or wreak preemptive revenge.

LIBRA (Sept. 23-Oct. 22)

Flexible Librans are more likely to succeed than rigid, unbendable ones. I'm talking mostly about your inner resilience, but I'm suspecting there's a correlation between it and your ability to put your feet behind your head. Stretch this week, both physically and emotionally. Start a regimen. I'm not kidding; work those muscles, spiritual and corporeal. A lot is riding on how well you can limber up. Your ability to do a split by the end of May?whether you're a ballerina or an accountant?may determine whether or not you get what you want.

Scorpio (Oct. 23-Nov. 21)

Scorpionic moods can be dangerous?and lethal in the extreme. You can do more damage in five minutes of terrifying angst than most of us can do in weeks of snarling snappishness. We both know this from harrowing personal experience. That's why weeks like this one, when absolutely nothing can shake the placid surface of your inner calm, are invaluable. It's time for some hard, but rewarding, emotional labor. Don't waste this chance to repair those bridges you've almost burnt to the ground and even lay the groundwork for a few new ones. Chances are, you'll probably need them.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22-Dec. 21)

Flashbacks of childhood may dominate this week, as authority figures that are usually on the same page disagree about something important to you. It's like those rare occasions during your youth when one of your parents gave you permission to do something you desperately wanted to do, while the other flatly forbade it. You were forced to weigh their respective clout along with your deep desire and decide whether or not you should try to get away with it. Of course, you're wiser now, so you know what to do, don't you? In case you've forgotten, here's a reminder: It's almost always easier to get forgiveness than permission.

Capricorn (Dec. 22-Jan. 19)

Jesus, make up your mind. You're more fickle than a twelve-year-old girl this week. Unfortunately, unlike those moody little preteens, your whims have the heft and authority to command action?action you might lament when you come to your senses later, or in five minutes when you lose them again. In other words, be careful what you wish for, at least out loud, because you're sure to get it and regret it. Instead, don't make anything happen that you didn't decide on last week, until at least next week, when your inner child will stop regressing and just grow up.

Aquarius (Jan. 20-Feb. 18)

Aquarians are rarely atheistic, but they're even more unlikely to be fervently religious. Instead, you take your spirituality like you take most things: in moderation. This week's developments, however, may make you a temporary convert to zealotry as you force yourself to rapidly develop or explore your ideas regarding, say, the existence and specifics of an afterlife, or, you know, the overriding meaning and purpose of your life. These are important questions, but please, don't dissolve into helpless existentialist depression when you fail to answer them according to your arbitrary timetable. Greater minds than yours have struggled with the same internal debate. You'll have the answers you crave, in good time. Just be patient.

Pisces (Feb. 19-March 20)

Unfortunately, you're more likely to be changing a cranky baby's diapers than making babies this week. Miracle of life, my ass. Your whole existence may be mired in shit, and the loveliest sound you hear all week is silence. Still, amidst all the stink and wretchedness there should be a tiny glimmer of hope, a symbol of better things to come, like a 24-karat diamond gleaming in all that poo. Pick it out, apply a wet wipe and grin?this treasure is all yours. Lucky for you, babies can't talk.

Aries (March 21-April 19)

You're a tree whose new growth is restricted by dozens of dead branches that refuse to fall off. It's a good week to call your best local pruner, who can help you decide what's dead weight and what's helping you grow. Of course, since you're not actually an old oak, I'm referring to your relationships. Some of them are just hanging off of you and blocking sunlight, others are nurturing you. This is a good week to decide which are which, and next week's new moon is the best time to cut off the ones that are dragging you down.

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