Wacky Art Hijinx Put Nation on High Alert

SOME SNEAKY ne'er-do-well with artistic aspirations has been cavorting up and down the East Coast, hanging his own paintings in major cultural institutions. Earlier this month, he left his 15-by-9-inch canvases in the National Gallery of Art in Washington, DC and the Philadelphia Museum of Art. Two weekends ago, he hit the Met and the Guggenheim.

In response, the NYPD's Hammer Team, ESU officers, agents from the Joint Terrorist Task Force and the Secret Service have joined forces in an effort to capture the diabolical fiend.

Why all the hubbub over a silly art prankster? After all, this sort of thing has been done before. (See Banksy's brilliant Banksus Militus Ratus installed for several hours in London's Natural History Museum earlier this year.) Why not just take the paintings down and be done with it?

Three reasons. First, he uses actual shredded U.S. currency on his canvases. Second, an accompanying note claims that he's mixed some of his own semen in with the paint. Third—and most importantly—his paintings involve unflattering portrayals of George Bush (Clinton, too, but that doesn't seem to be an issue).

The accompanying typewritten notes apparently contained what were referred to as "political rants" about money and what the artist refers to as "genetic profiling." His use of semen, he explains, is "an artistic reference to the silent power of the biological sciences."

They contained no threats. The artist did not express any intention to hurt the president. His focus was on political greed and our precious bodily fluids. But nowadays it seems that anyone who does not worship our president—and dares express it openly in any way—represents a major threat to national security.

Yes, well, threat or not, we still think it's funny, and hope the artist hangs his work in a hundred other museums before he's disappeared.

Interesting thing is, while we can understand why officials from the Met are so outraged by this invasion of heathen art into their hallowed halls, we're not sure why the Guggenheim's so upset. After all, ever since they reopened under the sweaty, guiding hand of Tom Krens in 1992, the Gugg's primary concerns have been money and politics. Especially money. After the Armani show and the motorcycle exhibit, you'd think a painting about money that involved real money would be a welcome addition to the permanent collection.