WED Wed. 8/6 Scratch With Kid Capri So you got ...

Scratch With Kid Capri

So you got burned tonight on those Aerosmith tickets you thought you could scalp for $300. Get over it, and go get pelted with beats at Suede's Scratch party with Kid Capri, with solid support by Red Alert and Stretch Armstrong. Is the Kid the best DJ in the world, as he claims to be? Nah, but on this midweek spot it's easy enough to pretend he is. 161 W. 23rd St. (betw. 6th and 7th Aves.), 212-633-6113, 10, $5, free before 12 a.m.

Seriously Funny: Political Humor In Peril?

Recently a political cartoonist at the LA Times got in trouble with the Secret Service for a cartoon depicting someone holding a gun to President Bush's head?just the latest in a string of free-speech incidents. Tonight, in a roundtable titled "Seriously Funny," author Brian Gage talks with local cartoonists Sabrina Jones, Seth Tobocman and Fly about the future of political humor. Housing Works Used Book Cafe, 126 Crosby St. (betw. Houston & Prince Sts.), 212-334-3324, 7, free.

Thurs. 8/7

Hudson River Rocks: The Walkmen

The free Hudson River Rocks concert series closes another impressive season tonight with a performance from the Walkmen, whose atmospheric arty rock should fill up Pier 54 nicely. Many of the Walkmen's mediocre local brethren know how to build up tension, but the Walkmen stand out because they know how to release it, too. This is a band that likes epic songs and epic moments, which are often punctuated by swelling keyboards and Peter Bauer's emphatic bass lines. They have swagger to spare, they're one of the city's best and most charming live bands, and their song in that Saturn commercial is pretty good. Hudson River Park, Pier 54, 13th St. (West St.), 212-533-PARK, 6, free.

Sister Hazel/Virginia Coalition

They could have stayed on a major label, but Chasing Daylight shows Sister Hazel taking account of their own profit sheets and marketplace restrictions. The result is a fine album that almost makes the band as underrated as Good Charlotte. Freed from marketplace niches, this Florida band is now free to obsess over heartbreak without trying to convince anyone on the Warped tour that they're some kind of emo act. They can even get away with touring with the Virginia Coalition, a jammy college rock band that crams too many genres into some good songs. Irving Plaza, 17 Irving Pl. (15th St.), 212-777-6800, 7, $20,$18.50 adv.

Vic Thrill's Circus Clone Label

Brooklyn's own Vic Thrill has been putting on kick-ass multi-media shows for as long as we can remember. With songs like "Wailing Wall" and the title track off his debut album CE-5, it's a wonder why people haven'ttrekked over to Brooklyn to personally thank him for keeping the public on their toes. Now that he's got his aptly named Circus Clone record label, we'll be swimming in audio sweat up to our ears. Also on the bill will be his roster of mayhem, namely The Knockout Drops, The What, Rev. Vince Anderson, and Bigbooté.See them all in person and be prepared to fizzle at Bowery Ballroom, 6 Delancey St. (Bowery), 212-533-2111, 8, $15, $12 adv.

Fri. 8/8

Lubricated Goat

In perhaps one of the most promising signs of the coming apocalypse, Stu Spasm's infamous beast has been newly resurrected. Even if you managed to catch Lubricated Goat in one of its previous incarnations, be prepared for fresh hell. This particular goat has no horns?at least by immediate appearances?and combines the venerable talents of Mr. Spasm, Jack Natz (Cop Shoot Cop), Ant Migliaccio (The Spitters), and Clem Grogan, a drummer who'll make you feel like a bigger tool than you already are for dropping 60 bucks on those Queens of the Stone Age tickets last week. Sin-é, 148-150 Attorney St. (betw. Houston & Stanton Sts.), 212-388-0077, 8, $8.

Sat. 8/9

Non-Fiction Book Fair

These people have no time for lies or fanciful tales?they're non-fiction booksellers, so hunts for Tom Clancy paperbacks will be fruitless. We're talking history, poly-sci, cookbooks, philosophy, agriculture, taxidermy. And if there was ever a time or a place to fill in the holes in your Farmer's Almanac collection, this is it. Rare, out-of-print, and used tomes will share display space with magazines, posters, and other paper-based pop-culture ephemera. Plus records! Tip Top Shoe Bldg., 155 W. 72nd St., 4th fl. (B'way), 212-579-0689, 10 a.m.-2 p.m., free.

Smoking Newports and Eating French Fries

What's the best play title of the summer? Our vote is "Smoking Newports and Eating French Fries," a new one by Ten Grand and a Burger Productions at Collective: Unconscious. In which you witness a day in the life of the "socially deficient, dysfunctional mid-80s trailer park family," the Wimplys. The group promises to use all the predictable white-trash jokes and stereotypes in portraying the characters?plus some you've never heard before?so don't worry about having to deal with any troubling nuance, just sit back and laugh. 145 Ludlow St. (betw. Stanton & Rivington Sts.), 212-254-5277, 10, call for price.

Sun. 8/10

New Jersey Garage Sale!

When ad agency superstar Nick Bilton (see AdWeek, Feb., 2003) decided to leave the ineffectual and vacuous world of "branding" (f.u., Neil Powell), he took with him the spoils of a six-figure salary that came naturally to a spouse-free, childless twentysomething. Oh, bless the dot-com era. These days, Bilton's running the creative department of New York Press and New York Sports Express, and, like all editorial employees, he's strapped for cash. Oh, bless the economic ruin that came from the dot-com era. Starting at 9 a.m., pick up artifacts large and small?from that darkroom he installed in the loft and, well, kinda got bored with, to piles of CDs, DVDs and books. Catch is: You gotta go to Jersey. Get directions at MapQuest, 'cause Nick ain't stupid enough to publish his phone number. 11 Wyckoff Terrace, Fair Lawn, NJ, 07410, 9-4, free cupcakes w/$10 purchase.

Oral Sex Basics: Fellatio

The Toys in Babeland ladies talk about filthy, sweaty sex in the tones of a New England schoolmarm, and it's just cute as a button. If you're a straight lady or a gay fella and want to give your man another inch on his smile, make a note to attend this one-night seminar. Toys in Babeland, 94 Rivington St. (betw. Orchard & Ludlow Sts.), 212-375-1701, 8, $30, carrot not included.

Mon. 8/11

Hank Jones

At 85 years of age the man still has the music coursing through his body and pouring from his fingertips. Hank Jones has been playing piano for nearly six decades and has performed with the likes of Ella Fitzgerald, Charlie Parker, and Lester Young. In 1997, Jones was inducted into the International Jazz Hall of Fame, and this bebop king changes and adapts to new jazz trends like we do hair color. Jones is currently focusing on fusing his craft with traditional African folk music. See him while you still can. Blue Note, 131 W. 3rd St. (betw. MacDougal St. & 6th Ave.), res. req. 212-475-8592, 8 & 10:30, $35.

Harvey Pekar Book Signing

Back in 1976, a file clerk at a Cleveland VA hospital named Harvey Pekar began publishing American Splendor, a comic book centered around the banal events of his daily life. While Harvey did the writing, big-name cartoonists like R. Crumb drew the pictures. Harvey was kind of a crank, kind of a loser, but his stories were strangely compelling. The comic won lots of awards, and Pekar garnered lots of press, even becoming a regular guest on Letterman. Now the best of those comics have been gathered together in a fat new anthology that Harvey will probably sign for you, as long you ask him nicely. Chelsea Barnes & Noble, 675 6th Ave. (21st St.), 212-727-1227, 7, free.

Tues. 8/12

Art in Brooklyn Botanic Garden

Enjoy the midsummer beauty of the Brooklyn Botanic Garden while you learn to make paper frames or draw with natural inks. What could be more relaxing that communing with nature and freeing your creative spirit at the same time? Possibly a beachfront hammock in Barbados, but that ain't gonna happen, and it costs more than 34 bucks. August is the last month of summer, and Brooklyn Botanic Garden won't be this lush come Fall. 1000 Washington Ave. (Carroll Pl.), Bklyn, 718-623-7200, 1-3 p.m., $34.

Contributors: Adam Bulger, Lily Gordon, Morgan Intrieri, Mallory Jensen, Jim Knipfel, J.R. Taylor, Dennis Tyhacz, Andy Wang and Alexander Zaitchik.