We're So Glad They're Coming

FIRST WE HEARD that all the delegates coming to town for the GOP convention were going to be kept on a luxury liner, for fear that terrorists would harm them if they actually ate and slept and walked in Manhattan.

That idea didn't bother us much—we had to deal first-hand with the conventioneers in 1992, and believe us, Democrats or Republicans, it doesn't matter—we'd just prefer them to stay on a boat far, far away. But local politicians and business leaders started squawking about how much money they'd be losing, so the GOP abandoned the boat idea.

Then the Secret Service told city officials that they wanted to shut down the subways and commuter trains during the convention, the way Boston's doing, again out of fear that terrorists would, you know, blow something up.

The idea of interrupting the lives of millions of people who live and work here just so these guys could have a four-day kegger didn't go over real well, either, but it's still under discussion. As of now the city is proposing shutting down Penn Station just while the president is giving his speech upstairs in Madison Square Garden.

Now last week, the big 'fraidy cats started talking about shutting down the main post office. Why? Well, these terrorists, you know, they'd take over the post office and, like, use it as a base from which they could launch some sort of big awful rocket attack on the Garden across the street. Or something.

Sure, customers could always find another branch to buy their stamps, but 1000 trucks a day deliver mail to the main post office. Shutting it down for four days and rerouting all those trucks would cause major disruptions in service.

We're already going to have to deal with the roadblocks and the police barricades and the security checks and the protestors. All those are givens.

Why are these people so intent on fucking with us? What are they afraid of? They've been dead-set for some time about coming to New York, but they've also seemed just as dead-set on doing everything in their power to avoid being reminded that they're in New York while they're here.

For god's sake, if they're too scared to come here and deal with the realities and (supposed) threats we have to deal with every day, then let them go somewhere else. Maybe they should start holding these conventions in the desert, where they won't have to worry about subways or hotels or post offices—or any other potential threat they come up with between now and the end of August. (Remember when the WTO met in Qatar?)

But if they're intent on coming here to make some sort of "point" (a point, by the way, they're really blowing with their paranoia and cowardice), then they should find a way to do so without making their little visit a huge pain in the ass for the rest of us.

Boy, we sure can't wait for those Olympics!