Whats up, baby girl Whats up, baby girl? How ...
I'm a really nice guy, very loveable. I'm five-eleven, 240 pounds. I make rap songs. I'm the CEO of my rap group. I love the game I'm in. If you write me back, can you send me some pictures of you? I wish I had one to send to you.
What things do you like to do for fun? Do you go to clubs? I don't go out much, I really don't like to get down like that. I love sports and dogs. I like my cars. If you wanna come and see me you can. I'm very handsome. I'm a black man by the way. I hope that's not a problem, boo.
Well, I hope to hear from you soon. So don't get mad, get happy, love. I'm here for you, okay. Hope to get a letter from you soon.
Stay Sweet.
-Nikeemia
I'm currently working on a series of self-portraits entitled "I'll Be Your Prison Bitch" to send out to all my incarcerated readers, but they're not back from the lab yet, so I'll just answer your questions while we wait.
The Girl of Date is nothing if not a fun-haver, that's for sure. However, our ideas of fun couldn't be more removed. For one thing, I loathe sports. Except for boxing, you couldn't pay me to watch a sporting event, let alone participate in one. An uncontrollable tendency to shriek in terror and throw myself onto the ground if anything flies in my general direction has pretty much guaranteed me last-picked-for-the-team status throughout my entire life. When I was a teenager I went through a phase wherein if there was a frisbee within 100 yards of me, it would inevitably bonk me on the head while I wasn't looking. My school was pretty hippie-heavy, so it happened often. Obviously, I'm still a little scarred.
Dogs are okay, but until they evolve into animals capable of cleaning up their own crap, I'll just pull faces at the sad little puppy-mill product through the pet shop window.
Cars are alright too, however I only have a learner's permit, so unless you want to drive me around (which would be a trick, as you're in the big house), I really don't have much use for them either. Unless it's a '64 Chevy Impala. That's a whole different thing.
My fun-having is more of the sedentary sort. I enjoy watching people trip and fall down and researching Japanese sex practices. No place in the world thrills me more than Coney Island, so I visit there often. I especially enjoy "Shoot the Freak." (Being a gangster and all, you're probably good at that one.) Staring into space is another favorite pastime of mine. See what I mean? What would we talk about?
I do like handsome men of any color, so no, black would not be a problem. It's just that whole "criminal" sticky wicket that's giving me pause. Sadly, I've sworn off musicians, microbiologists, men who still live with (or off) their parents, alcoholics, married guys, drug addicts, mimes, closet cases, sculptors, actors, brokers, redheads and-I'm sorry to say-convicted criminals. I realize that these extremely exacting, high standards leave me with a very limited man-pool to draw from, but such is my sad life. Good luck on the 23rd!
I'm a 44-year-old married man, but the wife and I are no longer in love. We're just together for the sake of our child. I have helped my share of female friends who were in need of some dick. It would be a pleasure to spend an evening with a willing, needy virgin, a bottle of champagne, a pint of strawberries, a can of chocolate syrup, Reddi-Wip, a box of condoms and my "right size" dick. You know, it's not too big, not too small, not too fat, but just right.
I'm just a nice horny, good-looking guy. Oh yeah, don't use my real name in your column. I have enough problems at home without my wife knowing I'm looking for love outside of our home.
-Harold (not my real name)
Wow, Harold (not your real name), I wish I could go back in time and sew that pesky, long-tattered hymen of mine back together. You sound like you really know how to treat a lady. Any virgins out there wanna take Clifford up on his tempting offer?
Write [dategirl@nypress.com](mailto:dategirl@nypress.com) or Dategirl, c/o New York Press, 333 7th Ave., 14th fl., NY, NY 10001.