WTF?!

Has anyone seen Chuck Norris lately? The ninja breached the house, stirring the homeowner. The ninja wielded nunchuks; the homeowner, a butcher knife. The ninja dealt blows to the homeowner’s head and body but was stabbed; the knife was sunk “in up to the hilt” before the ninja escaped. It was the ninja’s 14th home invasion; no one knows where he is.

Club Stereo manager’s note to self: keep cash in sock. Police did not catch the thief or thieves who cut a hole in a roof on West 29th Street. Seeking money, the burglars found it in the safe in the manager’s office at Club Stereo. Employees arrived for work at 10 p.m. the next day. The safe had been “drilled open,” and $29,000 in cash was gone. In addition to drills, chainsaws were used.

The eBay price of your AC/DC T-shirt just went up. New York State will permit Consolidated Edison to replace Direct Current electricity with Alternating Current electricity, thus jolting into the 21st century the five remaining New Yorkers who still use Edison’s invention. The State also said the utility could raise rates and charge more for power—more than it ever has before. The Public Service Commission was not pleased and sought to cut the $1.2 billion rate hike to about $600 million. That would mean only a 10 to 12 percent increase in April 2008.

Breaking News: the United Nations isn’t wrong about something. A few weeks ago a Brooklyn woman was told she had viral meningitis. She had headaches, fever and muscle pain, and a misdiagnosis. The West Nile Virus was the real culprit, and the woman, 41, was resting at home. Officials said the bug—and the bug’s bug—probably bit her while she was traveling abroad; most New York City mosquitoes that carry the virus are from Queens, not Brooklyn. And the Iraqi phosgene found at the United Nations turned out to be a “commercial solvent” of unknown identity—not an ingredient for a deadly nerve gas. A UN official said, “ We have to assume the worst. I don’t think we were wrong in that sense.”

Evidence mounts that babies, cocaine and loaded guns don’t mix. Along with a loaded gun and ammunition, cocaine and cocaine accouterments, cops raiding a Bed-Stuy apartment found, stuffed in a shoebox, a squirming baby. Roaches crawled over everything. The 4-day-old girl was the raid target’s niece. Police arrested the gangster, who had a long rap sheet, and took the girl to the hospital. The criminal complaint for child abuse cited a lack of formula and diapers.

Laurel Touby, your boa has been found! A snake’s appearance in Central Park led the Parks Commissioner to make an observation. “This has been our week for the wild kingdom. First we had the sharks at Rockaway Beach. Then, the raccoon attack at Prospect Park. Today, it’s the boa,” said Adrian Benepe, referring to the six-foot Boa Constrictor spotted trapped in an outcropping of rock. Likely an abandoned pet, the snake was rescued by police and taken to the Animal Care and Control facility.

Man calls God, gets wrong number, dies. A policeman’s Taser interrupted a man’s conversation with God. Standing on the 17th balcony of a Flatbush apartment building just before dawn, four officers tried to coax him down before using non-lethal force. He fell to his death. Police told reporters he was disturbed. And a man blamed the spill of a hot cup of coffee when he lost control of his car and killed an elderly woman in Greenlawn. A drug test later revealed that he had had marijuana with his breakfast.

And we all thought those carriage horses looked so happy! Carriage horses often face conditions tantamount to abuse. So said a first-of-its-kind report, conducted by the city comptroller’s office, of how the city enforces regulations on the carriage horse industry. The hot asphalt overheats them, lack of water dehydrates them, and poor drainage systems force them to loiter in their own waste. “Central Park South is a spectacular thoroughfare, but it was never set up for horses,” said the report’s lead investigator.