You Can Always Do Better

—Excerpt from the essay “You Can Always Do Better” by Zachary Lipez, from the book [Please Take Me Off the Guest List], by Nick Zinner, Zachary Lipez & Stacy Wakefield. Reprinted by permission of Akashic Books.

I understand if, to those who find my jokes obtuse and my manner grating, it seems self-deceptive to talk so grandly about women falling at my moist white flounder feet. What can I tell you? Women make poor choices all the time. When I meet these women, the first thing I tell them is “you can do better.” I don’t necessarily believe this. But even if they can’t do better, I always think that, accepting even the possibility of a larger justice in the universe, they should be able to do better. If that’s not the same thing, I can’t be blamed for looking to the stars.The women I know like to date guys in bands. They are often surprised to find out how boring these men are. Men in bands like to talk about old records and they like to put their dicks in things.

The women I know like to date guys in bands. They are often surprised to find out how boring these men are. Men in bands like to talk about old records and they like to put their dicks in things. Some of them also cook. These are the “smart” ones. If you think the band guy that you’re following around like Jennifer Aniston is a decent, thoughtful man and well read, here’s what you do. Compare him to the absolute worst person you know who isn’t in a band. The worst. Do you know Stalin? OK. Compare him to Stalin. Who reads more (and not books about other musicians. They don’t count)? Who is quicker to text you back for something other than coke sex? Who remembers the names of even one of your friends that they haven’t previously slept with? And finally, after a night out with Stalin and a night out with guy in band, compare how many cigarettes you have left. See? This shit isn’t complicated.

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