family dynamics

GRAYING NEW YORK

BY MARCIA EPSTEIN

In my women’s group, we talk a lot about our children, grandchildren and even great grandchildren. The connection between the generations is strong and really awe-inspiring.

I’ve been on Ancestor.com and found that my great grandfather on my mother’s side was named Berel. Suddenly, something came alive for me. I was part of a long line of other people, stretching back for countless generations, and presumably going to continue for many more generations.

I found out that, on my mother’s side, there were 5 brothers who owned a large chain of grocery stores called Dilbert’s. I already knew that my grandfather, who died before I was born, was the only brother who didn’t buy in at the beginning, and thus we were the poor Dilberts. I didn’t know that the chain had so many stores, that there were five brothers, and what their names were. Again, awe. This was my family. And my grandchildren will carry it on. They won’t know about Berel, but he will be a part of them as is my Aunt Chana, my paternal grandfather Shmuel (who again, I never knew), and countless others.

Recently, I had a talk with some women who never married and thus never had children and grandchildren. It is only now, in their old age, that they feel regret and sadness and loss. Not only the loss of the family line, but loss of the joy that the grandchildren can bring. And the fun. One woman was sad that she didn’t have a grandchild to take to lunch, to museums, to buy clothes for. Another, a former professor, regretted not having grandchildren to buy books and educational toys for. She pictured taking her imaginary grandchildren on trips and adventures. This, of course, presupposes that the parents are willing, the grandchildren are old enough, and game to go off with grandma.

It doesn’t always work that way, and the benefits of intergenerational bonding can be lost. There are family rifts, difficult or special needs grandchildren, and various other permutations of human behavior.

I’ve heard all sides of the issue and at certain times attended meetings about parents being estranged from adult children. My family has had its moments of difficulty. Lesley Stahl, the renowned journalist and “60 Minutes” correspondent, was changed by becoming a grandmother and wrote a book about it. She called it transforming. She said she was “infatuated” from the beginning. Not everyone has this experience. Not everyone is invited to. But no matter what the situation, having grandchildren is pretty eye-opening. It’s a bridge to the past and the future that the single older women I spoke to don’t have and long for. Yes, they have a halcyon view of what being a grandmother is.

And sometimes it comes true. Sometimes it doesn’t. Some grandparents are primary caretakers of their grandchildren while their children work; some have to fly long distances to see them; some rarely see them. Family dynamics! Not every grandparent is intimately involved with their grandchildren and some can’t imagine not being so. Some say “I’ve done my part, now let them do theirs,” and others want to babysit at every opportunity. This goes along with individual personalities and family dynamics. What grandparenting is, though, is a link to generations past and future. Each of my grandchildren have some characteristic that I recognize; my mother’s and my own green eyes; my father’s sense of humor, their own father’s way of walking. It’s all thrown in a pot, mixed up and remade as a special, unique human being (and let’s not forget that they also have a paternal side in the mix).

There are as many ways of being a grandparent as there are of being a person. There are also myriad ways of being a person and not being a grandparent. I’m sure many have no regrets, and that’s fine also. But when I saw the name Berel, something changed for me. I felt like a part of something bigger than myself, and my grandchildren, who of course don’t give it a thought, are also a part of that chain of people past and future. Now that’s pretty special.